Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Gayness or Goyness??

Hello friends...and enemies.

It's been about 6 weeks since my last posting.

I guess I just didn't have anything new to report from my boring, stagnant life.

I've received many comments and emails of people both supporting and deriding me for my feelings and actions.

I want to make a few points.

1) I am not gay...never have been, never will be. The people who write here that i am use the fact that I didn't have sex with the woman i met to prove that I'm gay.

I don't know when having a conscience and halachic standards (yes, halachic standards even for me) indicates that a person's gay. It's like saying that a sincerely frum guy who is shomer negia is gay too, even though he may masturbate in private.

Their position is that since I'm having phone sex with women, I must not be frum, and therefore, I shouldn't have any problem doing any other sins relating to sexuality.

I agree that I may be a hypocrite and I might look frummer than i actually am...but that doesn't mean that I can't try my best at whatever else is out there.

Just because i have phone sex, doesn't mean i shouldn't try to keep shabbos better, or to try to hold myself from saying lashon hara, or even from having sex for real.

2) Many (not all) people who have told me I'm gay are the same people who have emailed me in private asking me to introduce them to women I know or to ask for where I meet these women etc. They want tips.

Since I never divulge anything, they have gotten upset at me. I guess being angry and jealous makes people throw accusations and insults. However, my life is really nothing to be jealous of, believe me. Not a good life to have

So, whoever wants to believe I'm gay, go right ahead!!

If you want to believe I'm not frum and that I'm a goy, go right ahead.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Kissy or Spanky??

Recently, a woman emailed me out of the blue. I guess she got my address from a group that I'm a member of.

Anyway, her thing is that she fantasizes about getting spanked. She is in her mid 40s, separated and never been spanked before.

After a few times talking on the phone, she asked to meet me in order to spank her. Even though, that isn't totally my thing, I have a kinky enough mind to go with the flow on most things.

So, we met in a coffee shop at first to make sure neither of us were serial killers.

She is actually a very normal, sweet, attractive woman who is prudish in many ways, but has this irresistable need to be spanked.

After about an hour, we agreed to get in my car, drive somewhere secluded. We got in the backseat, and i told her to take off her pants.

She turned around and i started spanking her. I could hear her moan, her need for this. She was in ecstacy.

The power and control I felt was intoxicating.

I played with her pussy and spanked her for about two hours off and on. Then she asked me to fuck her, which I was ssurprised by since she said she doesn't want sex, just spanking.

I said no because I didn't have a condom. But even if I did, I would have said no.

Funny as it is to say, I'm still a frum guy and i wouldn't have done it.

She then stroked me off...she seemed to really like my cock.

But the best part of it all, was all the kissing we did. I LOVE kissing...the closeness, the intensity, the passion.

We agreed to meet again, but so far we haven't. But we have talked.

As hot as she is, I don't know if i want to see her again to spank her or to kiss her...

Perhaps both!!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Square or Round?

I'm back my popular demand!!

First, I want to say a few things and then to the topic of this entry.

There is someone who reads my blog and makes comments that are not constructive or helpful in any way. I'm not sure if this person is a he or she but he/she has some very strong opinions about me and this blog.

Let me say that I don't mind negative comments or criticism at all, but I find his/her comments very mean and inaccurate.

I do respect women greatly, to the contrary of what this person believes.

I'm not a bad guy and I try never to hurt anyone's feelings.

I just write about what I feel and experience.

So, I ask anyone who is offended by my blog to forgive me, but I will continue writing because it is therapeutic for me and interesting to hear other peoples' reactions.

But I would suggest to anyone that they stop reading my blog if it bothers them so much.

To the topic at hand.

It has recently come to my attention that a girl I went out and broke up with a few months ago has shown interest in me once more.

I might have a chance to go out with her again.

I love this girl. I really do. She is perfect for me. Everything I have ever wanted. She is too good for me. She is kind, sweet, giving, bright, pretty, frum etc etc.

She would make a wonderful wief and outstanding mother.

Just one thing. I didn't feel any chemistry, and I'm not sure if I'm attracted to her or not.

Other girls I've been out with, I've felt that connection right away, that need to see them, talk to them, etc....but not with her.

Sometimes I feel like I would not be a good husband to her because I can't get "excited" about her (and I don't only mean in a sexual way).

I don't want to end up like one of these sleazy married "frum" guys trolling the internet for other women.

But on the other hand, she is perfect for me and I do love her...but am I in love with her.

I broke up with her last time because of the pressure I felt that I couldn't feel the way I should be feeling towards her.

If I go for it, maybe it'll just be like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole (no sexual inuendo here).

It might never fit...but people have told me that attraction grows.

I think for every person and every couple is different.

Can a marriage really last and really be happy without that excitement to see the person when they walk in a room?

Any HELPFUL suggestions, thoughts and advice would be helpful...but at the end of the day, I know it's all on me!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Moron or Idiot??

I vote for both!!

That woman who I ruined my Yom Kippur over is already out of my life basically.

I am such a moron and an idiot for letting it affect me so much.

Even at the time I knew it was fleeting...just like every yetzer hara...and I still gave in.

Stupid stupid me.

Previously, I wrote about a girl I know who betrayed me like no one else ever has. I'm still upset about that. She used to be a slut.

She just had a baby BH, and she changed...she is sincerely trying to not be that slut again. But she is finding it difficult.

The following is the poem she wrote and showed me. It is powerful.

The trigger is pulled
the weights lowered
crushing
full
of my mistakes
parts of me I know exist
memories
I cannot forget
immense pressure
forced
to cower in fear
frightened
the addiction
overwhelmes me
takes over my senses
I try to search
to reach
looking for strength
to hold
I lose control
give in
addicted
I have failed

The trigger is been pulled again
the weights lowered
heavy
full
of past mistakes
parts of me
I wish did not exist
memories
I struggle to forget
irresistable pull
forced
to bend in fear
afraid
it will overwhelm me
take over my senses
I search deep
for love
grab onto it
hold it
light as a feather
it gives me strength
to stand again
gain control
I have succeded

Monday, September 20, 2010

Heaven or Hell??

That is the question of this time of year...heaven or hell?

"I put before you life and death...choose life" G-d tells us to choose life...duh!!

There are many explanations of this phrase in the Torah...but I lived it first hand last week.

I was good all of last week. Went to the mikve erev RH, didn't masturbate the whole week, although I kind of did look at porn and stroked myself but I didn't cum...I did have pre-cum, which according to some is just like fully masturbating...but I take the lenient view on that issues...lol

Then, I met this woman online on Tuesday and we started talking. I planted in her mind the seeds of my deepest fantasies. In the beginning, she wasn't into it at all.

Then on Thursday night we were talking on the phone and she asked me to start talking about those fantasies...so I did...and to be shock, she started thinking about them.

Long story short, we had explosive phone sex...and yes, I did cum...A LOT!! :(

From the very beginning while talking to her on thursday, I knew this was a test for me. I could feel it...day before yom kippur, this woman getting into exactly what I like.

I failed

miserably, horribly

I failed

As always I went to the mikve the next morning on erev YK. weird.

I looked at in positively to say that I messed up, but maybe that will make my YK more heartfelt, more intense.

BH, I usually have good YKs. I daven well, I even cry.

Well, not this YK. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I tried to have kavana, tried to have feeling, tried to cry...but nothing.

There were a few fleeting moments of inspiration, but they were interspersed with sexual thoughts of this woman. The only reason I thought about her was that she now fantasized about my deepest fantasies. That turned me on.

They say that on YK, there yetzer hara leaves you and I believe that. Yet, I found myself have impure thoughts and begining to develop erections.

I realized that it wasn't the yetzer hara...I realized that it was me!

G-d has to say to choose life, even though it's obvious is because it's NOT so obvious.

It wasn't obvious to me...or maybe it was and I just didn't care

My setback has made me try even harder this year. So, my system is, that everytime I masturbate I will write it down. not the time and date and what I was thinking about...lol, but just mark it down, so next year, I can count how many times I've done it this year and try to improve on it. Also, if I have it written down, I can see how manytimes I've done it and maybe that will discourage me for that time to do it again.

Even if that helps me one time, it is worth it.

The over-under is 750...I'm taking bets!! lol

Otherwise, life or death? heaven or hell?

Did I make my choice?

Did you?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Unholy Alliance or Urban Legend??

Recently, I've heard people talk about a friend of a friend whose third cousin twice removed sits beside a guy in shul who told him that he heard that there are swingers groups going on in the shul.

Yes, that is not new. I'm sure most of you reading this have heard these things before, but as you all know from reading my blog, I'm quite naive and innocent when it comes to subject matters such as these.

Specifically, I've heard it going on in shuls in 5-towns, Toronto, Far Rockaway and Brooklyn. Yes there are specific shuls that people talk about...and no, I'm not naming them here...but the membership must be very VERY expensive!! :)

I think they are all urban legends.

No one will actually come out and tell you they are part of such a group, and no one even knows anyone in such a group. It is always of the variety of lashon hara (yes, I know it might not be LH since, if it's true, they are a group od reshaim..evil ppl, so please don't comment on that since I went to yeshiva too :)) that I started this posting with...very indirect whispers.

At some point in the last 3400 did two jewish couples get together and swap? I'm sure they did!!!

Yes, being that there are rumors of specific synagogues might make one believe that they are true.

Notice that all the shuls on that infamous (or famous list) are more yeshivish type shuls...not completely, but you never hear of a modern shul with this happening.

Perhaps it could be some bias against sheitls and black hats...not sure.

The main reason I don't believe it is that I cannot fathom how that conversation starts among a couple.

Yes, I said many posts ago that a couple should be open and share their feelings and fantasies with each other. So maybe that's fine.

But I can't see how Moishy goes up to Shloimie during the mi sheberachs and says, "I really want to fuck your wife...but don't worry, you can fuck mine too"

I can't see that conversation taking place.

As I said, yes, it probably has taken place at some point. But that conversation taking place with 5 or 6 or 10 couples involved is UNIMAGINABLE!!!

There will be anonymous commenters on this post who I'm sure will write that they are involved in such a group...and I still won't believe it.

Either way, at this time of year, we have to realize that these groups are definitely an unholy alliance...so I HOPE they are urban legends.

Remember, if one is afraid of Yom Hadin, then he/she does not have to be afraid of Yom Hadin!!

Shana Tova

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Real Improvement or Pipe Dream?

Shana Tova to all my loyal readers, and everyone in general!!

I had a spiritually uplifting Rosh Hashanah. I even cried at certain points, BH!!

Makes me feel that I'm not a lost cause.

As every year, I have made 2 "New Year's Resolutions". Well, I made more than 2, but my philosophy is at least one ben adam lemakom and one ben adam l'chavero.

I decided to try to cut my masturbation down to twice a week.

Why not to cut it out altogether, you ask?? Because, I know myself. I know that I will not be able to sustain that for the long run.

As it is, I masturbate a number of times per day on average. But I felt that twice a week is probably the amount that I would NEED to do it, but that it would still be a challenge.

That's not to say that if i only did it once and it's the end of the week, I'll do it one more time just to be yotzeh doing it twice.

I really want to stop. As pleasurable as it may be, I feel lonely and sad afterwards most of the time.

But I fear I won't be able to keep it up. I fear I'll do it much more...especially, when I get down, have a bad day or a bad date or whatever.

but I'm trying....

I hope my dream doesn't evaporate in a cloud of smoke.

Any thoughts??

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Fantasy or Fiction??

Hello all my loyal readers,

I know I haven't written in about a month.

Part of the reason is that apparently I did something against the rules so I don't make money here anymore..I should email them.

But most of the reason that I didn't post anything is that nothing interesting really happened.

I dated a few very nice and sweet girls, but sadly, they are not for me, and I'm not for them.

But, a few days ago, something happened.

In one of my more weak moments (i.e. horny), I basically admitted to someone that I have fantasies about her. Why I did that, I have no idea. I'm still kicking myself for it.

Yes, she is sweet, and beautiful and funny and has this radiant smile and is just so unbelievably sexy...but it was wrong to do that.

Most of the time, you shouldn't verbalize fantasies unless you're in a loving and stable marriage. In that case, I think it might be healthy.

Anyway, she gave me a tongue lashing. She said everyone has thoughts but it's wrong for me to tell her. She said it's elul and i need to do tshuva and fight my yetzer hara and she said I should get serious and find a wife.

All are 100% true, except the last one. I am serious, and I am trying hard to get married.

People mistakenly believe that it is so easy for everyone to get married. Like there is a "Spouse" aisle at Walgreens and all you have to do is walk down the aisle (literally and figuratively) and pick one and voila...happily ever after!!!

Doesn't work that way...for most people.

Also, I believe that whatever fantasy life I have does not hinder my chances of getting married, it helps it.

Because I know how empty it is. I know after phone sex or watching a woman on webcam the empty and lonely feeling that exists.

What I do is not to replace a wife, it is just to feed the beast that burns inside me.

I'm a sweet frum guy. I'm sincerely frum BECAUSE of my fantasies and what I do online...not in spite of it. What I do is wrong, and I'm not justifying it at all. But the older people get remaining single, the less frum many of them become in all aspects. Shabbat gets more lenient, kosher too, shomer negia for sure.

Even though it is a fiction, I'm still relatively strong in all those areas because I have an outlet...even though my emunah may waver once in a blue moon, I still stay strong and committed

I know with 100% certainty that when I finally find my wife (BH soon) that I will totally and completely stop all of this. That's not even a question.

This woman is still sweet and I respect her greatly for how she responded to me...and to respect her even more, I will attempt not to think about her during my weak moments.

But in all her reasons for why my thoughts of her are wrong (and there are a few very good and primary ones), she never mentioned one thing.

She never said that it was because she is married...

Might there be a reason for that??

I wonder..

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Masturbate...or Not??

Today is Tisha Bav, in my opinion, the beginning of the Tshuva season.

I do try to shed at least one tear over the Destruction, and I have in the past, but it's becoming more difficult as the years move forward.

I am still hopeful that I will cry before the day is done.

I initially told myself that today I wouldn't come online as my form of giving something up (besides food) in my march towrds Rosh Hashonah.

Obviously, I did not keep to that.

Along with that, I have committed to not masturbating today.

But it's soooo hard (double entendre intended) not to.

I need to rub one (or 2 or 3) out so badly.

What should I do?

I'm hoping to stay strong

Have a meaningful fast

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Right or Wrong???

Throughout my travels online, I have lived by one major rule.

IF IT SEEMS FISHY, IT USUALLY IS!

If I'm talking to someone and it seems off or just not in the realm of believability, then I stop talking to them immediately.

This rule has served me well and almost every single time I have used it, I found that I was correct. Something just didn't add up.

Until this past week.

Over the course of the last 5 years I have talked with this girl on and off. She would come online every few months and we would talk. She is kinky like me and she's fun.

But, I had never seen her on webcam or heard her voice over the phone. After a while, I stop talking to these people for fear that they are guys who are just looking to get off.

I must admit that I thought about "her" that way too. But, there was something about her. A sincerity, a certain kindness.

So, I decided to give her a chance. I figured if she is a guy then he's laughing at me, but I'm not doing anything sexual, so who cares. I just enjoyed her company.

A few years ago, this girl got married and went offline for awhile.

A few months ago, she appeared online and we reconnected. I started asking her to go on mic or cam and she refused. I was sure she was a guy.

I was torn up. All I wanted was a 5 second webcam turn-on. just to verify.

She showed me picture of her and her family and even her naked.

At that point, I smelled something fishy.

It isn't logical for a girl to send me a naked picture of herself and not show me her face on webcam for a second.

From her perspective, she said going on cam or mic makes what she is doing more "real" and she already felt guilty enough, and she didn't want to go down the slippery slope.

I said that I understood completely, but I cannot continue to talk with someone who I suspect to be other than what she claims.

I really do care about her, but I couldn't continue.

She cares about me too.

Which is why, in a last ditch effort, she went on her mic for me and said 5 words to me.

A girl's voice!!! phew!!

Now I have menuchas hanefesh and we can progress if she wants.

I know it was an internal struggle for her, but I so appreciate her trusting me.

I still don't know if she is the girl that she showed me pictures of, but I don't care.

I like HER, not only her look.

As long as she is a real girl, I'm happy.

So, maybe my one rule isn't so infallible after all

Monday, July 12, 2010

Betrayal or Bitachon?

For the first time ever in 10 years of chatting, I have been hurt and betrayed in the worst way possible.

I'm torn up about it.

Last week, I invited two married women I chat with to a conference call.

It was kind of a 3-some, but not exactly...no real hard core phone sex going on.

Immediately afterwards, I regreted introducing them to each other. They are both lovely women and even though they both chat online, one is far worse than the other. One actually meets other men and fucks them.

Since that night, they both asked me to introduce them online so they could chat. I didn't want that to happen.

But apparently, they found each other despite everything...bashert, right?

So, I told the "really bad" girl that I regreted introducing them and that I asked her a favour not to corrupt the other girl. She assured me that she wouldn't.

Literally 3 hours later, the other girl told me that RBG introduced her to a man in her same city and that they were chatting. She told me that RBG is trying to corrupt her and she laughed

I was livid!! After I just told her not to corrupt her.

If she does end up meeting this guy and doing anything, it will be on me, because I facilitated it.

Yes, she is an adult and she can make her own decisions, but she is already inclined to meet other guys, even if she hasn't yet.

I'm very upset.

I have always have trust and bitachon in people online, but this crushed me.

How could RBG be so stupid as to introduce a guy to her, knowing what might happen?

She probably feels better with what she's doing to know that other girls do it too, but that gives her no right.

After 2 years of talking, I stopped all contact with RBG immediately.

So, now I wonder about my online adventures....

Should I still have bitachon or should I worry about people betraying me?

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Sunday, July 11, 2010

Where has all the Phone Fun Gone???

In my online travels, I have been very lucky.

Over the last 7 years, until about a year and a half ago, I have had regular phone sex partners.

But it was strange. It was like one girl every year. That girl would get married, start dating, or just decide she didn't want to do it anymore.

Then, almost miraculously, I would meet another girl very shortly afterwards to start the cycle again.

With each girl, I had a deep connection and strong emotional bonds, as it wasn't just phone sex.

A year and a half ago, the last girl I'm referring to got married and went offline, BH.

I have yet to meet the "next" sweet, wonderful girl for regular chatting and fun.

I have met a few women since who were very fun and I like a lot, but for whatever reason they cannot talk on a regular basis due to other factors going on in their lives.

I have yet to meet another girl wo has the time, willingness and desire to have phone conversations on a regular basis.

But I was thinking...even if I did meet such a girl, why not just date her seriously?

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Three-Some or Three's a Crowd??

Where do I find these people?

I met a woman online recently who is in her mid 50s and going through a sexual awakening of sorts.

She is actually going through it with her husband at the same time.

They venture out to certain clubs together, and find exhibitionism very erotic.

Well, one day her and I were talking over the microphone, when her husband came in the room and started touching her.

He knows about me.

Long story short, he was fucking her as I was talking to her.

very very hot!!! hope to do it again.

but still...kind of weird

and no, I'm NOT GAY in any way...so don't even go there...lol

Monday, July 5, 2010

For Love, Marriage....or for Sex????

What the hell is wrong with me? Ok, don't answer that...lol

I got set up with a very nice girl and I called her for the first time last night.

It was a very fun, pleasant, easy going conversation. I really enjoyed her company...until....

Until a girl came online who I know who I have had great phone sex with in the past, and who might want to have phone sex again.

I've had phone sex with her hundreds of times, but in the last year, she has been better, or just not in the mood, or needing the "real thing".

So, for the mere glimmer of hope that some girl would help me shoot my load, I kind of ignore this wonderful girl on the phone.

Sure, I still talked to her with fake laughter, saying "ya" when appropriate,and even interjecting a story or two.

But my focus was diverted elsewhere.

I obviously want love and marriage, both together ideally (unfortunately that can be mutually exclusive these days), but my body tells me that I want to hear this other girl moan with pleasure.

What is wrong with me?

Oh, and you all probably guessed....no phone sex with that online girl...she wasn't in the mood.

I soooo wish I wasn't in the mood either

Sex or marriage.

Why am I constantly drawn to the wrong choice?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Dateless in Seattle???

No, I'm not from Seattle, but I am dateless.

Haven't had a date in a few months.

At least with dating, you feel like you're "in the sugya"

But lately, I've been feeling that days are turning into weeks and into months and I'm not getting any younger.

maybe I should call that girl back? the one who was sweet, frum, pretty etc etc, but I just didn't FEEL IT.

Any thoughts?

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Sunday, June 27, 2010

Regular or Pervert? (Fine Fantasies?? The Sequel)

Another fantasy that I have come across might be even worse than the rape fantasy, since as mentioned, for some reason it appears that many women have rape fantasies, or fantasies of submission.

Obviously, though, they would abhor it ACTUALLY happening, but for a fantasy, it's a safe escape from the potential bore of their regular sex lives.

But over the past years, and specifically at the current time, I am speaking to 6 "frum" women who have an EXTREMELY TABOO fantasy.

Incest.

Yes, you heard me correctly...incest!!

As in a sexual relationship with a close family member.

GROSS!! DISGUSTING!! YUCKY!! AWFUL!!!

Now, none of them would ever do it for real, and none of them think about any person under the age of consent. But some are more inclined to push the envelope in teasing more than others.

But they do very actively fantasize about their fathers, brothers, and one woman even fantasizes about her son who is about 22 or 23 years old.

Again, I do not condone such thoughts or behavior, but I am just raising the issue.

The Torah obviously forbids it. In fact, we read about incestuous relationships on mincha of yom kippur, for various reasons.

However, the mere fact that the Torah had to include it as forbidden, must be that people have thought about, and do think such images.

The Torah doesn't have to give a law that we should breathe, because that is ingrained.

If it was ingrained that incest is so repulsive and disgusting than the Torah would not have had to mention it.

Now, incestuous fantasies are probably more common among boys, who think of their mothers or sisters or aunts.

I know a number of people who have either admitted to me, or mentioned in jest some incestuous statements...

Or even one guy I know who got a bit too "spiritual" one Purim and told me very flat out, and I quote, "My mom is a real MILF, don't you think so too???"

Even the term MILF, made famous by the movie American Pie, indicates that incest has permeated the "main stream".

There are main stream movies and TV shows (such a Nip/Tuck) with incestuous story-lines.

I have even met a frum woman years ago online, who was divorced, and her son, in yeshiva, was also divorced, and she told me that they have engaged in sexual acts, but not full sex, although she feared...or hoped...or both...that full sex was forthcoming. Now again, who knows if she was telling the truth or not, but she sounded sincere over the phone.

Other women I have had phone sex with who asked to play those fantasies have had HUGE, intense orgasms, moreso than if we roleplayed something less "forbidden".

Perhaps it is the forbidden nature of it, the taboo. I don't know.

For frum boys, it might be that since they don't have much contact with the opposite sex (which I actually think is a good thing), then the only women they know freely who let their hair down, figuratively and literally, are their sisters and mothers.

But I was initially shocked to find how many women think the same things.

So, is this a fine fantasy? Are all fantasies fine, as long as it does not involve a minor?

I know many women have thoughts of their son-in-laws. In fact, there is a blog that I read about a women who talks about that openly.

Obviously, sons are very different. But is there some comparison.

When do fantasies go over the line?

Again, for people who have been abused by a family member, I apologise if it brings to the surface terrible memories, and I think it is TERRIBLY wrong...but I guess you know more htan anyone that those thoughts are present in the minds of people.

But are they regular people or did they pervert their minds?

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Sunday, June 20, 2010

Fine Fantasies???

Let me start by saying that this entry is quite delicate, but I think it needs some elucidation.

Let me first say, that any person who has been physically or emotionally abused should seek professional therapeutic help and should even contact the appropriate authorities.

I do not condone any violence or abuse/molestation in any way shape or form. It is evil immoral, illegal, and wrong.

I do not mean to hurt or offend anyone by this blog and apologize ahead of time if I do so.

This posting is not for everyone to read, so please use judgment as to whether you want to continue reading.

What are fantasies? How do they develop? How can they be satisfied or fulfilled?

I have been thinking quite a bit about this topic for quite some time.

When I first arrived online and started chatting about 8 or 9 years ago, I was initially shocked to hear some of the thoughts that women have.

I always knew that men are perverts, but women!?!? I was stunned.

The first time a woman told me she has a fantasy of being raped, I couldn't believe it. What woman would have that as a sexual fantasy that she gets aroused by?

After years of becoming less naive (unfortunately), I have realized that it is a fairly common and prevalent fantasy that many women have.

Let me again reiterate that I am NOT in favor of rape in any way, and I am not saying that every single woman thinks about rape.

What I am saying is that MANY (not all, not even most) women think about it.

Obviously, this fantasy is not necessarily about the sex. It is about the control, strength of the man and submission of the woman. The idea of giving up control, etc.

In my online travels, I have spoken to three women who have been raped in reality (there might have been more than i spoke with, but these 3 told me about it). Beyond the horrific nature of the act which was perpetrated against these women, there was another reaction.

One woman told me that it was the worst day of her life, but that she has never had a more powerful and intense orgasm in her whole life. That, in turn, made her feel more guilty for "enjoying it".

It has manifested itself for her, in that since that day, she has tried to find sexual experiences which are harder, rougher, more violent...just to relive the feeling.

She DOES NOT want to be raped again, but it has now become part of who she is and part of her sexual make-up.

So, I ask...

Are all fantasies fine? or are there some fantasies that should be discouraged? (omitting obviously fantasies about children which should be punished and discouraged)

Please let me know your thoughts. I have tried to be sensitive about this topic, so please respond in kind.

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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Nothing New Under the Sun?

So, I have been away for awhile. on vacation, sabbatical, whatever.

And even afte ra month away, I come back here with absolutely nothing new to report.

No dates, no prospects, not even any fun online play partners.

Just a lot more masturbating and feeling pleasure for a second.

I guess life is like that...ups and downs

Hopefully, things will pick up BH

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Calm Kallahs Making Me Nervous???

For the uninformed, the blissfully ignorant, Calm Kallahs (CK) is a website geared towards jewish wedding stuff.

However, the creators of the website installed a section on the website, in which people, specifically observant Jewish people, can post questions, comments, concerns about their private and intimate lives with their spouses.

I'm still unsure if the creators were just smarter than everyone else and knew that a website with a section of that nature would attract a lot of traffic, or whether it initially was an incidental portion of their concept. I suspect the former.

I must admit that the last time I actually perused that website was about 3 years ago. While many individuals ask serious and sometimes not so serious, but nevertheless important, halachic (jewish law) questions about sexuality, there are probably many people who are just there to make fun and joke, criticize and frankly, to get off!!

It seems that many postings there were written by horny teenaged boys, either pretending to be women, or pretending to be horny adult boys.

Again the internet has reached its lowest common denominator. A website like this serves a much needed purpose for uninformed, scared or curious frum newlyweds who realize that maybe the Chasson and Kallah teachers didn't tell them EVERYTHING they need or want to know.

But the people who view it as a joke or frum porn or frum voyeurism devalue it.

There are very funny, sad and informative issues being discussed there, but it still makes me very very nervous.

The fakers don't make me nervous. It's the real husbands and wives who make me nervous.

I find it extremely sad that husbands and wives don't trust each other enough to reveal their thoughts, feelings and fantasies...the deepest parts of themselves.

Even though they are frum, they are also human. Perhaps the spouses won't be sickened with the fantasies.

I'm still single, but I thought marriage was about sharing.

I guess it makes me nervous because ot gets me thinking...

What will my wife hide from me? What won't she share with me about her fantasies? Will I also be afraid or will I tell her my fantasies? Will I be completely comfortable around my wife?

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My Last Date??

Gut Voch everyone.

So, I went out with the girl. You know, the one that the original girl wanted to set me up with.

Let's just say, it was the worst date of my life, as most of my dating experiences have been ok.

Even this one was fine. But she annoyed the hell out of me!! and she wan't that attractive.

But I took solace in the fact that even if she was the most beautiful woman in the world, I'd want to shoot myself in the head because she was so annoying.

Just her voice was like nails on a blackboard.

I couldn't wait for the night to end!!

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Open mind

So, I'm going out with another girl tomorrow night.

I made the mistake of checking her out on facebook, which everyone does now, and I'm just not so interested...

Not sure what my mistake was...checking her out on FB in the first place or checking her out only AFTER I said I'd go out.

But still going in with an open mind and a positive attitude.

I hate going on dates that I know won't amount to anything except a fun, slightly awkward 2 hours!!!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Great Date!! Maybe not!!

Last week I was set up with a girl.

Surprisingly, it was a great date. One of the best first dates I've ever been on. She was sweet, smart, funny, frum, and attractive.

We had a great time (in a completely shomer negia type way, of course).

When we went our separate ways, I wanted to ask her out again, but since we are supposedly frum, I figured it was best to go through the shadchan.

The next day, I called the shadchan and advised her that I had a wonderful time and that I'd like to go out again.

She called me back a few days later and informed me that the girl thought I was very nice, very funny, and very very intelligent. I guess I'm an even better actor!!

But she did not want to go out with me anymore.

I was surprised about that too, since we both legitimately had a great time.

But as a consolation prize, she told the shadchan that she might have a friend that would be perfect for me.

But I'm not sure if that's just something people say to assuage their own guilt about not wanting to go out again.

A rabbi of mine once told me that I date wrong. I assume that the girl I go out with is not for me until she proves me wrong.

I should date thinking that a girl is for me...until she proves me wrong.

I think that's a good lesson for many people.

Any thoughts from internet-land??

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Holiness and Hypocracy and Happiness??

This past shabbos, we read Acharei Mot/Kedoshim.

In AM, we read about all the forbidden relationships that we read on mincha yom kippur.

The fact that it is written in the Torah indicates to me that some people actually think and fantasize about these types of relationships (i.e incest).

Whether that is a person's deepest desires, like freud said, or the nature of a person is to be repulsed by it and some people just pervert themselves and their minds...the fact remains that if the Torah mentions it, it means it is on people's minds.

Obviously, I'm not talking about abuse or molestation. That is 100% wrong, illegal, immoral and disgusting.

The Torah is talking about a relationship between consenting adults.

In my online travels, I have met many people...and many women who secretly have this deep-seeded fantasy and desire.

Shocking at first. not anymore.

Then Kedoshim.

Rashi says that to be holy or separate and distinct, a person must separate himself/herself as far away from sexual immorality as possible.

I was standing in front of my shul saying this, talking about how sexual immorality is terrible...and the whole time I'm thinking what a hypocrite I am.

Given what I do online and my thoughts and fantasies, how can I talk about being holy and separate myself from sexual immorality, when at the same time, I want to fuck a few married women in my shul??

I'm usually a very happy person...but my hypocracy doesn't help my happiness!!!

But will I change?

I doubt it

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Back to the Future

So, Pesach is a time to look back, in order to move forward. The Haftarah for the last days of Pesach represent that, talking about the "dry bones" prophecy, and the lions laying with the lamb prophecy...refereing to the time of Mashiach, BB.

I, too, am back here looking to the future.

I have written in a long time because I was busy with work and family stuff. But also, I don't see that anyone is reading or commenting on my blog, so I don't have motivation to continue writing.

Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to the wall with no feedback.

But then I realized, that this I can use this blog for myself, whether other people read it or not. It can help sort out my thoughts aand feelings.

So, I haven't been on a date in a long while...and I've been masturbating up a storm.

I'm definitely a kinky bastard!!!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Blink of an Eye

The Gemara says that the geula comes in the blink of an eye. Rashi says on that, that it's not (necessarily) talking about a communal geula, but every person's individual geula.

Geula, meaning redemption, is a strange thing. Sometimes when you find reach your geula, it turns out to be not exactly what you expected.

I haven't been on a date in awhile, so I don't see my geula coming...but you never know...a blink of an eye, right??

Last night I was feeling lonely. Don't know why, but I was.

But I think it's better to lonely when you're alone than lonely while you're married.

I pray that everyone has a pesach which will begin the process of our redemption as a nation and each person's personal redemption.

L'Shana Haba B'Yerushalayim!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

HELP!!

So, since I am a giver, I have decided to help out the few (perhaps very few) people who actually read my blog.

There is a wonderful website to help frum jews break their internet addictions.

http://www.guardyoureyes.org/

In all honesty, a few months ago, a girl I used to talk to got involved with the website and told me about it, and BH, she doesn't talk to me anymore. BH, not because I didn't like her, but BH because she has tried to overcome her problem.

I signed up for the daily emails, but I have never checked it.

Then yesterday, the girl that I wrote about in a previous blog, the one who is married that I thought I had feelings for told me about the website too.

So, it is getting filtered out to the masses.

The operators of the site are very smart. There are men's forums and women's forums. BUT, apparently, men cannot see the women's forum. However, I have no idea how they know since I didn't sign up and it still took me only to the men's forum. Perhaps, that is their default since they realize that most guys will be trolling for girls.

I give the website a lot of credit for trying to stem the problem.

But I give even more credit to the strong, holy men and women who turn to that website for help. It is difficult to do.

They inspire me

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Being Sick

I've been very sick for the past few days. The sickest I have been in my entire life, up to this point.

I have a stomach bug...throwing up, diarea (wrong spelling, I know).

I'm also achy all over. I can't make a move without moaning.

I feel like an old man.

I also realize how alone I am. My family is great and gets me a drink when I need it, etc., but there is something missing when a person is sick, and no spouse to take care of them.

Be'ezrat H-shem, one day soon

Refuah shlema to all of Am Yisrael

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Loathing of Lobbies

I apologize to all my loyal followers (however few in number you may be).

I have not written anything in about 3 weeks because I was away in Israel, and I did not have access to a computer where I could write freely.

I just landed today...Motzei Shabbos flights are the worst...but that is a topic for another day.

While in Israel, I got set up with a few girls. They were all very sweet, but not for me.

I am a shadchan's dream guy. I'm frum, a professional, sweet, funny, etc etc...the shadchanim like me so much,sometimes I wish I could date them!!

So this one shadchan calls me up and says that the girl has agreed to go out with me and that for the first date, I should go to a hotel lobby.

I informed the woman that a hotel lobby really isn't my style. I'd much rather go to a coffee shop, or chas veshalom, actually spend a few dollars buy the girl something to eat!!

The shadchan responded with a definitive NO! The girl is frum and wants to go to a hotel lobby, as this is how it is done in Israel (I have dated in Israel for many years and that is not necessarily true).

I relented and said if that's where the girl feels most comfortable then that is fine with me. I could care less.

The next morning the shadchan calls me back and says, "OK, no lobby". I asked what happened.

She told the girl that she told me that we needed to go to a hotel lobby, but that I really didn't want to, but she made me go.

The girl told the shadchan, "Baruch H-shem, I hate hotel lobbies".

The shadchan attributed her loathing of lobbies to her originating from a location a bit outside the main frummy enclaves...as if every "normal" frum girl from Flatbush or Monsey loves the lobby.

In any case, that was already a gold star for the girl in my book!!

We ended up going to some very quaint little coffee shop. She was very sweet and wanted to go out again. For a specific reason (no, not looks), I declined.

My rant on this day is that the frum world nowadays has inented these artificial constructs that are so arbitrary and they treat it as if Moshe brought it down from the mountain.

I have spent my whole life in yeshiva and I'm almost positive that there is no commandment, "Thou shall sit awkwardly in a hotel lobby when thou takes a chick out on a date"

There is no halacha anywhere that says that...even in contemporary sources.

Yet, this shadchan, even though meaning well, stated that a lobby is a must.

For many girls and guys that is true. I respect that. But for them, it is a must as a social construct more than a religious one.

Another arbitrary construct is separate seating. Until 60 years ago, not even the frummest and most holy people had separate seating functions. It is a bit different than the lobby, because separate seating does have contemporary halachic support.

A rabbi I learn with and respect greatly had a point of view that if 5 single guys and 5 single girls are sitting at a table together at a wedding, the mind (at least of the guys) would wander.

I wholeheartedly agreed. (But I also said, that maybe the mind wanders because boys and girls are so separate that when they finally do interact, it creates impure thoughts that might not otherwise be there)

(As an aside, that made me think of a cute joke.

What is black, white, and red all over? A yeshiva bochur on a date!!! Cute, I know.)

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...

But I asked what the difference would be if a shadchan set me up on dates which each of those 5 girls individually. Wouldn't I be having impure thoughts then too? He responded that I wouldn't given that it is in the different framework and context.

Maybe, maybe not.

I'm not a rabbi...yet, but all I know is one thing.

Frumkeit does NOT necessarily equal Yiddishkeit

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Goyim are not For Practice

So, I never ended up meeting with that girl. Not for lack of trying though.

Sometimes I feel like she really wants to meet me, but then it never happens. Either she chickens out or maybe she is just playing with me. I have mixed emotions about it, as well.

But I guess that's a good thing for my neshama that we didn't meet.

If we do meet, great...and if not, also great.

So, I haven't talked to the married girl I really care about in a long time, probably a month since our last real conversation.

I hope she's ok. She was in a bad place the last time we talked which was a week ago. I asked her how I could help. She said I couldn't...that no one could.

Maybe the reality of her life finally hit her.

I'll keep on davening for her, like always.

So, I will be out of touch for a few weeks due to a busy schedule. I may not be posting here for those few weeks.

But to my small but loyal following, I say have no fear, I shall return with a whole new set of adventures and ideas.

Maybe when I have some real time, I'll write about going to shadchanim (which I actually enjoy doing!!)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Goyim are for Practice

We've all heard that. That goyim are for practice. That Halachically, it's better to shtump a goy than a jewish girl who is a niddah.

But beyond halacha, is it right? Of course not. But...but...but

The reason I'm thinking about this is that I met this girl online who is not jewish. She is gorgeous, and out of my league.

For some strange reason, or not so strange reason since I'm a great guy or relatively decent looking in my own right, she likes me. She wants to meet me tomorrow...maybe for practice. We have talked for a long time online and we have developed a rapore

I'm torn. Even if I do meet her, I don't think I'll have sex, but I would love more than anything to make out with her.

I know it's wrong, but from her pictures she is sooooo sexy, I cannot resist.

H-shem always gives a person a test that they can overcome.

The problem is, I'm not sure I want to overcome...I think I want to succomb

At least she's not married, right?? :)

I'm not sure what I'm going to do

Holy or Phony??? Maybe Both??

This past shabbos, I was given Shishi, the 6th aliyah to the Torah, which is the aliyah with the Ten Commandments in it (10 Sayings to be Precise).

Somehow, I didn't feel worthy. Yes, I know more Torah than anyone else in the shul, yes I learn more, yes I try to do more things more of the time than anyone else there, but am I worthy??

I think I am.

Besides chatting online with women, married and otherwise, and masturbating a lot, I'm a pretty good jew.

But is that good enough to get that honour of the 6th aliyah?

I think I am not.

I chat with married women and have met a few of them in real life. True, the one or two I have met didn't go beyond kissing, yet I feel that I transgress the 7th commandment of "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery".

Technically, I did not transgress it. But in spirit, I did.

I teach a beginners Torah class. Last week, we spoke about the BIG 10. The people in my class focused their questions on the adultery one (notice how everyone is interested in sex!!). We branched off from there into talking about niddah, shomer negia etc.

As I was talking, I felt like I was pretending that I was such a frum guy because I don't touch, I don't spend time alone with women blah blah blah.

The thing is, I really feel that these laws are important and valuable, so maybe it's not pretending, since I really believe it.

Anyway, I'm taking a poll....Holy or phony??

Don't even get me started on the 10th Commandment....Do not Covet...Are you kidding me??

So, Peyton Manning and my Colts just lost the Super Bowl. PM is arguably the best player in the history of the NFL (even with that interception), but he is so humble, modest, low-key and tzanua. I love that. He has "chen". I love people with chen.

Next year peyton...next year...

Monday, February 1, 2010

Scaredy Cat

I just want to respond to the a comment that someone wrote to me on my last post.

I don't know who it is, but I respect and value everyone's thoughts and opinions.

Am I scared? No.

But I do find it hard to connect in real life with girls I go out with.

The conversations on dates seem to generic, boring, shallow.

With this married woman...and other people online, the conversations are deep, and yes, sexual...but mainly deep.

I get to know someone better online after 10 minutes than I do on weeks of dating.

I believe the shomer negia is amazing and has real value. However, I feel that it also is not conducive to really getting to know each other, and I don't mean having sex.

I mean that shomer negia adds to the fact that people have to act, and be, all frum.

Years ago, I spoke online to a married woman. Her "thing" was that she wanted to get spanked. Fine. But her husband was not into it at all. He didn't want to hurt her, but that is precisely what she wanted/needed.

I asked her, while she was going through shidduchim, if a guy on a first date said he was into spanking, how would she respond?

She was unsure. On the one hand, it would have appealed to her, and consequently, he would have appealed to her.

But, on the other hand, spanking is not what good, sweet frum boys are supposed to be into, so she would have been turned off, thinking he is a crazy freak.

So, it's a lose/lose situation.

My point, though, is that most people never find out what their spouse fantasizes about, and yet, online, I can find that out in a matter of minutes.

So, maybe being online has contributed to be inability to get close emotionally to someone in real life.

But, I doubt that's true. I really think that lately, the girls I've been out with are not really for me. So, I'm not scared at all. I welcome emotional and spiritual closeness

As I said, this girl that I "love", is not real love...never will be. I care about her a lot, but not love.

I also could never be married to her, the way she is currently acting.

She cares about me too. But, I doubt to the extent that I car eabout her.

I know the limits, I know the boundaries. In my own mind and in reality.

and even though I haven't talked to her in a long time (maybe she read this and is ignoring me), I still consider her a good friend.

A shining star in my life...but not love. and that's the way I want it. and that's the way she wants it

Light. Fun. Lust. Laughing.

I won't get hurt, because I know the score. I know it's all in fun. Even though I care about her, I keep it fun.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Love, Actually?

I'm in love.

I think I'm in love.

I might be in love.

I'm in lust.

I'm in like.

I have no idea what I'm in...and the reason is that she is married. (let's call her Celery Stick...CS)

I have chatted online with other married women before, many, but there is something different about CS. She has a certain innocent look to her, even though she is far from innocent.

When I see her on webcam, she has a smile that just melts me. I would do anything to get her to smile. She is the sweetest woman, and the best mother.

And she is married.

Even though I talk to married women, I never really considered having sex with them, as hot as the thought sounds. Making out, maybe...touching, yes. But full sex goes beyond my boundary.

However, I really want to have sex with CS. I have this intense, animalstic, passionate need for her. I want to make love to her and fuck her (and yes, those are two very different things)

At the same time, it's more than lust. Just talking to her makes me happy. Perhaps she helps me to be less lonely, I don't know. But, as I've gotten to know her, I've realized that she has a really good, if confused, neshama.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and meet her, before she met her husband, and make her fall in love with me.

She likes me, thinks I'm fun and cute, but she doesn't have the same emotional connection to me as I seem to have to her, nor should she.

She views me as a distraction, someone to pass the time with. I'm not the only one either. She speaks to other guys in the same way. I know that. I'm not oblivious or naive. She has even told me many times that she is not monogomous.

She has something about her that has drawn me in over time.

We have stopped chattign as often as we used to, but the last time we chatted recently, as we were leaving, I said to her, "you make me happy when skies are grey"...I REALLY wanted to finished the end of the song, "you'll never know dear, how much I love you"

But I stopped myself. I don't want to freak her out or make her think I'm nuts.

She's with me for fun, and I should be with her for fun...and I am, but it's more.

Now, the truth is, I would want to marry a girl like her. Well, not really, since she has done things that indicates that she does not respect her husband at all. She says she loves him, but she does not respect him in the least bit!

If my wife does what CS has done to her husband, I would be so torn up, you can't even imagine. CS knows she is wrong, but she doesn't regret it. She doesn't have high self esteem, and I try to build her confidence in herself

But I still have these strong feelings for her that I need to hold inside.

I just wish I could tell her how I feel. I wish we could talk more.

I wish...I wish...I wish...even though I know it's completely 100% fake, false, nothing. It is still nice to care about someone

CS, please don't take my sunshine away

Monday, January 25, 2010

Eisav Syndrome

So, on Shabbos, I was standing up in the front of my shul giving a dvar Torah, as usual (I'm even a better speaker than I am a writer...shocking, I know..lol).

I was explaining Rashi on a passuk, and just then, I was thinking, who am I to be talking, and giving a little mussar shmuz, as that is how my dvars usually end. I am the last person who should tell anyone how to live, daven, or conduct their lives.

That is what I call the Eisav Syndrome (ES). We all know the story of Eisav, who would be learning with his father, and even ask about Maaser on salt, and then, at night he would be grinding down at the Canaan Club with some really hot Plishtim and Canaaites. He was living a double life. He was living a hypocracy, a contradiction

Truthfully, every aveira we do is part of the whole ES. Saying Lashon Hara is living a contradiction if we truly believe it is wrong and H-shem doesn't want it.

And yet, obviously, in my mind there is a difference between Lashon Hara (going to hell the easy way!!) which doesn't seem so terrible (even though it is equal to the 3 BIG NO-NO'S) and other things that I do or have done.

Why do sexual things seem far worse than any other aveira. Maybe it is where my yetzer hara lies that I feel that way. Other people might actually feel that Lashon hara is worse for them.

I think it's true. For me, I can do 612 mitzvos, no problem, but when it comes to sexual immorality, kinks, masturbation, I cannot control myself, it seems. I have tried and been reasonable successful from time to time, but in general, I lose.

Which might be why the medresh says one of Tati Jake's (Yaacov Avinu) grandsons beheaded Eisav and his head rolled into the Maaras Hameachpela at Yaacov's funeral.

The reason is, b/c Eisav's head was worthy to be there, because he was a "Talmid Chocham". He knew everything...every gemara, every Tosfos off by heart...so his head is in the cave...

but his body, could NEVER EVER be worthy to be there for eternity.

As the Alter of Slobodka said, "It takes 70 years to travel from a person's head to his heart"

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Shabbos Dvar Torah 1

The Gemara states that when a person passes away, he/she will be asked 3 questions. The first of which is "nasata v'natata b'emunah" (if I'm not mistaken), which is usually translated, did you deal honestly in business.

The Shlah HaKadosh interprets that line more literally and then expounds upon it.

It literally means "giving and taking with emunah (belief)". The Shlah says that giving and taking means a chavrusa, study partners who give and take and share ideas.

The Shlah says an amazing thing. The first question every single person is asked is....

DID YOU STRUGGLE WITH YOUR EMUNAH??

H-shem does not want robots. H-shem wants thinker, not automotons He wants people to search Him out.

The struggle does not mean you lack emunah...it is a necessary step to strengthen emunah.

Recently, many people have told me online and in the class I teach, and I have thought as well, that my emunah is shaky.

Especially for me now in my life it is very difficult to keep my emunah. But knowing that H-shem knows about our ups and downs and rides the wave with us, and He in fact, wants us to have a few down moments is an interesting idea to ponder.

So, for all of you reading this who are confused, saddened, regretful of things you've done and said in real life or online, just remember that the struggle you are having is one of kedusha and that H-shem loves us all and will continue to love us all.

H-shem wants us to question Him...that is how confident He is in taking care of us!!!

Have a holy and relaxing Shabbos and learn 5 minutes of Torah for someone other than yourself!!!

1% Majority

The internet is the most destructive invention of our generation. But I have decided not to rail against it, since I take advantage of it too. Also, it is the case, that I have so much to rant about on the subject, I have no idea where to begin.

First, let me tell you about my friend, let's call her Blueberry (BB). She is frum and comes from a relatively sheltered world. She had no interaction with the opposite sex of any kind. She started chatting online maybe 2 months ago and already she has surpassed every boundary she thought was set in stone. She met and has sex with men, many men, perhaps even many many men. Married men even!!

When she first starting in the chatroom, she would give mussar to all the married people looking to "hook up"...and in a short time frame, she has sunken to their levels.

What does that say? Perhaps that says more about her and her vulnerability and her pain more than it says about the internet (since she is divorced), but maybe it says something about the internet too.

Even now, she tells me she is digusted with herself, but does not feel guilty. She says she is confused, angry, wishes she can go back 2 months when she was still a nice frum divorced young woman...but obviously, she can't. She is no longer innocent.

The internet messes up my head...completely. In fact, it was Rosh Hashanah, about 6 or 7 years ago, during Mussaf on the first day, when I was right in the middle of Zichronos and I wanted to give it all up. COMPLETELY!!

And the reason? I have recently met a "frum" woman who was having an affair. I was shocked, stunned, hurt, scared. I thought to myself, if she, who looks and acts all frum can do such an awful, not to mention assur thing, then what I am doing here for?

The longer I am online, and the more I open my eyes, the more I think that it is normal...the most frum people, whether men or women are fucking around on their spouses or into all types of kinky stuff (which is fine if kept between the couple) or that single frummies are all a part of this vast "frum orgy"

That messes me up. Now everytime I see a frum woman, I always think, "Who did she have phone sex with last night?" or "How unhappily married is she?" or "Does she wish her husband's cock was bigger, just like the woman I talked to last night?" (The answer...a resounding YES!!! :) )

The worst question I ask myself though is, "Would the girl I'm sitting across from now in the hotel lobby, ever cheat on me?" That scares me to death! But, I'm part of the problem too. I have met and had phone sex with many many many married frum women. I think at some point, I just figured, if you can't beat him, JOIN THEM. I know...middah keneged middah...I'm scared. (And no, I don't usually go to hotel lobbies on dates...just an example...I'm more creative than that, I hope)

But, I firmly believe that this is NOT the whole frum world. It can't be. I truly believe that 99% of all frum people are sincerely, genuinely frum. I do not have any illusions. I don't think that 99% of frum married couples are happy. However, even if unhappy, very few married frum people would actually cheat. They might think about it, fantasize about it, but NEVER ACTUALLY DO IT.

The problem with the internet is that everyone online it seems, is the OTHER 1%. We see everyone having sexual issues or trying to get off or trying to connect to other people in whatever manner they need and we think it is prevalent amount the ENTIRE community.

But it isn't.

It is a 1% majority

To Surf or Not to Surf, That is the Question!!

My next post was going to be about the destructive nature of the internet. An old friend of mine wrote something that she wanted to post and it turned out to be exactly what I wanted to talk about. So, I am going to post it and hope that she will become a frequent guest contributor. For our purposes, let's call her Cherry (not her real name at all, obviously). She was my first serious online relationship. Although i never met her in person, I fell in love with her. But she got married and I couldn't be happier for her. She will be the subject of a posting in the near future. So, without further ado, Cherry's very first contribution to my blog.

"The light of the computer beckons me from the other room..calling to me in a voice louder than an actual scream...I walk as if in a daze,log in and lose myself to a different world. A world where I can be who /what I want to be...or better yet,what they want me to be.Chatting nightly,reinventing myself, trying on different personas till I can barely distinguish between daytime me and the me of the black, starry night. I'd lose myself in the sensual pleasures of what I was seeing,hearing,typing. The sound of furious typing,tap-tap-tap.Tap-tap-tap. Panting, touching,stretching,tap-tap-tap,moaning,rubbing,gyrating.tap-tap-tap. A muffled cry and its all over. Slinking back to bed at 4 am...feeling dirty,used,unhappy"

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Am I Still a Virgin?

As I said in my initial posting, I have been a relatively good boy. I consider myself a virgin...but am I?

When I chat with people online, sometime I embellish and make stuff up, not because I am embarrassed to be a virgin, but just to have something interesting to talk about.

I'm actually quite glad I'm a virgin. I have always wanted to wait for my wedding night. Yes, it might be an antiquated notion, and yes, I am an incurable romantic, but there is something quite nice and special about your first time beign with your spouse.

So, I love being a virgin, but am I?

I kissed a girl for the first time when I was 22 or 23. It was the most romantic moment of my life, and I don't regret it in the least bit. Maybe I should feel guilty that I don't feel guilty.

Besides a few times kissing her, I was good. But yet, I felt that I was missing out.

I met a girl online when I was about 26. She was a bit older. We hit it off instantly, talked on the phone, laughed for hours. Then one night on the phone, 2 weeks she invited me to her place. I knew I wasn't going over there to watch Disney movies, but I didn't think it would go as far as it did, nor did I necessarily want it too.

I arrived at her house and when she opened the door, I was surprised in that she was even more attractive in person than in her picture.

I sat down on her couch, and we talked. I guess I was nervous because she leaned in and kissed me. I should have left right then and there. She was a smoker, and when she kissed me it was gross, and it didn't feel like my first kiss...no romance, no intensity, just pure animalistic lust...which does have its place, but not for a first time.

One thing led to another, and we were both naked, and she was sucking on my hard cock. You'd
think I would cum in 23 seconds given it was my first time, but I think I was in shock that a woman was actually giving my a bj that I couldn't cum...the more I couldn't cum, there "angrier" she got, trying to make me cum, but it didn't happen.

Then she wanted me to work on her. I did not have any experience whatsoever, so I guess instinct took over and I fingered her like a New York cabbie getting cut off!!! I was just going at her with my hands, mouth. I found her clit, and I sucked on it, licked it, circled her clit with the tip of my tongue, nibbled on it.

She had about 4 or 5 orgasms. I know because I felt her contracting against my fingers and the liquid gushing. The last orgasm she had, she was shaking, her body shuddered, convulsed, and I believe she squirted.

She got this look in her eyes, a gaze of lust. Just then she pushed me onto the couch, sat on my lap said she'll make me feel good and put me inside her!!!

I was flabbergasted, stunned, in awe and totally motionless. I couldn't move. But after literally 3 or 4 seconds I pushed her off me.

I didn't want it. Not that way.

I ended up stroking myself and cumming on her tits.

On the way home, I felt gross, used, like I gave something away.

The only thing I could think of was, "After all these years of imagining, thinking and fantasizing about sex, that's all it's like??"

I freaked out. I deleted all my internet accounts, I went to get tested for STDs, which, Baruch H-shem I do not have.

I did full and complete tshuva...and yet, as you can see I'm back here...and I've been back online for quite sometime.

So, am I still a virgin? Halachically, I know I'm not. Technically, I know I'm not.

But then why do I still tell people I am??

Was I raped?

Why do I tell the married woman I talk to online that I want to lose my virginity to her. Yes, I talk to a married woman. I know it's wrong, but married women are my yetzer hara...anything taboo is. The more taboo the better.

But this woman is not just a phone sex partner. I care deeply for her. But that will need to wait for another posting. Maybe tomorrow

Tizku L'Mitzvos

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Why am I here?

That's a very philosophical and deep question for this late at night.

I'm not sure why I'm here actually. I had a blog a few years ago, with a few devoted followers, but since I did not contribute thoughts to other blogs, my blog remained fairly unknown.

However, it was therapeutic for me.

As background, I am frum, single professional in my late 20s. I learn every night and give dvar torahs, and shiurim.

I enjoy being frum. It is the right path for me.

However, lately, I have been getting dejected.

My emunah has taken a hit.

I haven't been perfect, but I'm been a relatively "good boy" and I'm proud of that, but I feel like I'm missing out.

A friend told me about this old song that I liked with the title, "I was so much older then...I'm younger than that now."

That is how I feel about my frumkeit.

A friend I met inspired me to maybe start sharing my thoughts, experiences and feelings with the public...and I hope to help some people along the way, and to make people laugh....and even think (Chas Veshalom)

But I also want to be true to myself and reflect who I really am. This friend who inspired me is very misunderstood, partly of her own doing.

People think that she is one way, but she is exactly the opposite. She is sweet, caring, self-aware, sincerely frum who is just struggling with who she is, and who she wants to be. But she still has amazing bitachon.

Thankfully, I take the time to see who she is...that is how I want to portray myself here...as the simplistic, complicated, intense, laid back, funny, serious human being and Jew that I am...that we all are.

Thank you for reading. I hope you stick around for the ride