Goyim are not For Practice

So, I never ended up meeting with that girl. Not for lack of trying though.

Sometimes I feel like she really wants to meet me, but then it never happens. Either she chickens out or maybe she is just playing with me. I have mixed emotions about it, as well.

But I guess that's a good thing for my neshama that we didn't meet.

If we do meet, great...and if not, also great.

So, I haven't talked to the married girl I really care about in a long time, probably a month since our last real conversation.

I hope she's ok. She was in a bad place the last time we talked which was a week ago. I asked her how I could help. She said I couldn't...that no one could.

Maybe the reality of her life finally hit her.

I'll keep on davening for her, like always.

So, I will be out of touch for a few weeks due to a busy schedule. I may not be posting here for those few weeks.

But to my small but loyal following, I say have no fear, I shall return with a whole new set of adventures and ideas.

Maybe when I have some real time, I'll write about going to shadchanim (which I actually enjoy doing!!)

Goyim are for Practice

We've all heard that. That goyim are for practice. That Halachically, it's better to shtump a goy than a jewish girl who is a niddah.

But beyond halacha, is it right? Of course not. But...but...but

The reason I'm thinking about this is that I met this girl online who is not jewish. She is gorgeous, and out of my league.

For some strange reason, or not so strange reason since I'm a great guy or relatively decent looking in my own right, she likes me. She wants to meet me tomorrow...maybe for practice. We have talked for a long time online and we have developed a rapore

I'm torn. Even if I do meet her, I don't think I'll have sex, but I would love more than anything to make out with her.

I know it's wrong, but from her pictures she is sooooo sexy, I cannot resist.

H-shem always gives a person a test that they can overcome.

The problem is, I'm not sure I want to overcome...I think I want to succomb

At least she's not married, right?? :)

I'm not sure what I'm going to do

Holy or Phony??? Maybe Both??

This past shabbos, I was given Shishi, the 6th aliyah to the Torah, which is the aliyah with the Ten Commandments in it (10 Sayings to be Precise).

Somehow, I didn't feel worthy. Yes, I know more Torah than anyone else in the shul, yes I learn more, yes I try to do more things more of the time than anyone else there, but am I worthy??

I think I am.

Besides chatting online with women, married and otherwise, and masturbating a lot, I'm a pretty good jew.

But is that good enough to get that honour of the 6th aliyah?

I think I am not.

I chat with married women and have met a few of them in real life. True, the one or two I have met didn't go beyond kissing, yet I feel that I transgress the 7th commandment of "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery".

Technically, I did not transgress it. But in spirit, I did.

I teach a beginners Torah class. Last week, we spoke about the BIG 10. The people in my class focused their questions on the adultery one (notice how everyone is interested in sex!!). We branched off from there into talking about niddah, shomer negia etc.

As I was talking, I felt like I was pretending that I was such a frum guy because I don't touch, I don't spend time alone with women blah blah blah.

The thing is, I really feel that these laws are important and valuable, so maybe it's not pretending, since I really believe it.

Anyway, I'm taking a poll....Holy or phony??

Don't even get me started on the 10th Commandment....Do not Covet...Are you kidding me??

So, Peyton Manning and my Colts just lost the Super Bowl. PM is arguably the best player in the history of the NFL (even with that interception), but he is so humble, modest, low-key and tzanua. I love that. He has "chen". I love people with chen.

Next year peyton...next year...

Scaredy Cat

I just want to respond to the a comment that someone wrote to me on my last post.

I don't know who it is, but I respect and value everyone's thoughts and opinions.

Am I scared? No.

But I do find it hard to connect in real life with girls I go out with.

The conversations on dates seem to generic, boring, shallow.

With this married woman...and other people online, the conversations are deep, and yes, sexual...but mainly deep.

I get to know someone better online after 10 minutes than I do on weeks of dating.

I believe the shomer negia is amazing and has real value. However, I feel that it also is not conducive to really getting to know each other, and I don't mean having sex.

I mean that shomer negia adds to the fact that people have to act, and be, all frum.

Years ago, I spoke online to a married woman. Her "thing" was that she wanted to get spanked. Fine. But her husband was not into it at all. He didn't want to hurt her, but that is precisely what she wanted/needed.

I asked her, while she was going through shidduchim, if a guy on a first date said he was into spanking, how would she respond?

She was unsure. On the one hand, it would have appealed to her, and consequently, he would have appealed to her.

But, on the other hand, spanking is not what good, sweet frum boys are supposed to be into, so she would have been turned off, thinking he is a crazy freak.

So, it's a lose/lose situation.

My point, though, is that most people never find out what their spouse fantasizes about, and yet, online, I can find that out in a matter of minutes.

So, maybe being online has contributed to be inability to get close emotionally to someone in real life.

But, I doubt that's true. I really think that lately, the girls I've been out with are not really for me. So, I'm not scared at all. I welcome emotional and spiritual closeness

As I said, this girl that I "love", is not real love...never will be. I care about her a lot, but not love.

I also could never be married to her, the way she is currently acting.

She cares about me too. But, I doubt to the extent that I car eabout her.

I know the limits, I know the boundaries. In my own mind and in reality.

and even though I haven't talked to her in a long time (maybe she read this and is ignoring me), I still consider her a good friend.

A shining star in my life...but not love. and that's the way I want it. and that's the way she wants it

Light. Fun. Lust. Laughing.

I won't get hurt, because I know the score. I know it's all in fun. Even though I care about her, I keep it fun.