Fantasy or Fiction??

Hello all my loyal readers,

I know I haven't written in about a month.

Part of the reason is that apparently I did something against the rules so I don't make money here anymore..I should email them.

But most of the reason that I didn't post anything is that nothing interesting really happened.

I dated a few very nice and sweet girls, but sadly, they are not for me, and I'm not for them.

But, a few days ago, something happened.

In one of my more weak moments (i.e. horny), I basically admitted to someone that I have fantasies about her. Why I did that, I have no idea. I'm still kicking myself for it.

Yes, she is sweet, and beautiful and funny and has this radiant smile and is just so unbelievably sexy...but it was wrong to do that.

Most of the time, you shouldn't verbalize fantasies unless you're in a loving and stable marriage. In that case, I think it might be healthy.

Anyway, she gave me a tongue lashing. She said everyone has thoughts but it's wrong for me to tell her. She said it's elul and i need to do tshuva and fight my yetzer hara and she said I should get serious and find a wife.

All are 100% true, except the last one. I am serious, and I am trying hard to get married.

People mistakenly believe that it is so easy for everyone to get married. Like there is a "Spouse" aisle at Walgreens and all you have to do is walk down the aisle (literally and figuratively) and pick one and voila...happily ever after!!!

Doesn't work that way...for most people.

Also, I believe that whatever fantasy life I have does not hinder my chances of getting married, it helps it.

Because I know how empty it is. I know after phone sex or watching a woman on webcam the empty and lonely feeling that exists.

What I do is not to replace a wife, it is just to feed the beast that burns inside me.

I'm a sweet frum guy. I'm sincerely frum BECAUSE of my fantasies and what I do online...not in spite of it. What I do is wrong, and I'm not justifying it at all. But the older people get remaining single, the less frum many of them become in all aspects. Shabbat gets more lenient, kosher too, shomer negia for sure.

Even though it is a fiction, I'm still relatively strong in all those areas because I have an outlet...even though my emunah may waver once in a blue moon, I still stay strong and committed

I know with 100% certainty that when I finally find my wife (BH soon) that I will totally and completely stop all of this. That's not even a question.

This woman is still sweet and I respect her greatly for how she responded to me...and to respect her even more, I will attempt not to think about her during my weak moments.

But in all her reasons for why my thoughts of her are wrong (and there are a few very good and primary ones), she never mentioned one thing.

She never said that it was because she is married...

Might there be a reason for that??

I wonder..