Bashert or Blew It???

Hello all,

I haven't written in a long while. Not much to tell. Same old same old.

Nothing changes in my life.

I dated a girl a few years ago. I love her and I think she loved me. However, there were issues so I broke up with her and have been thinking about her ever since.

Sometimes I felt like she was the one for me, and other times I felt like if I try with her again, it would be like fitting a square peg into a round opening (no sexual inuendo there, I promise)...and I really really don't want to end up like so sleazy married guys online looking for something different because they feel like they regret their past choices or just feel like they missed out.

It was tearing me up inside.

Recently, I contacted this girl, and asked her if she wanted to talk.

She said no thank you, that she was seeing someone and it was very serious.

I'm very happy for her. I wished her well.

I felt both loss and relief. Loss, that I might have missed my bashert, a wonderful sweet frum girl who would be an amazing wife and mother.

But also relief, that after years of wondering, pondering, I can finally let her go, at least the idea of her.

I just hope and pray to H-shem that I don't end up 50 and single :(

Gayness or Goyness??

Hello friends...and enemies.

It's been about 6 weeks since my last posting.

I guess I just didn't have anything new to report from my boring, stagnant life.

I've received many comments and emails of people both supporting and deriding me for my feelings and actions.

I want to make a few points.

1) I am not gay...never have been, never will be. The people who write here that i am use the fact that I didn't have sex with the woman i met to prove that I'm gay.

I don't know when having a conscience and halachic standards (yes, halachic standards even for me) indicates that a person's gay. It's like saying that a sincerely frum guy who is shomer negia is gay too, even though he may masturbate in private.

Their position is that since I'm having phone sex with women, I must not be frum, and therefore, I shouldn't have any problem doing any other sins relating to sexuality.

I agree that I may be a hypocrite and I might look frummer than i actually am...but that doesn't mean that I can't try my best at whatever else is out there.

Just because i have phone sex, doesn't mean i shouldn't try to keep shabbos better, or to try to hold myself from saying lashon hara, or even from having sex for real.

2) Many (not all) people who have told me I'm gay are the same people who have emailed me in private asking me to introduce them to women I know or to ask for where I meet these women etc. They want tips.

Since I never divulge anything, they have gotten upset at me. I guess being angry and jealous makes people throw accusations and insults. However, my life is really nothing to be jealous of, believe me. Not a good life to have

So, whoever wants to believe I'm gay, go right ahead!!

If you want to believe I'm not frum and that I'm a goy, go right ahead.

Kissy or Spanky??

Recently, a woman emailed me out of the blue. I guess she got my address from a group that I'm a member of.

Anyway, her thing is that she fantasizes about getting spanked. She is in her mid 40s, separated and never been spanked before.

After a few times talking on the phone, she asked to meet me in order to spank her. Even though, that isn't totally my thing, I have a kinky enough mind to go with the flow on most things.

So, we met in a coffee shop at first to make sure neither of us were serial killers.

She is actually a very normal, sweet, attractive woman who is prudish in many ways, but has this irresistable need to be spanked.

After about an hour, we agreed to get in my car, drive somewhere secluded. We got in the backseat, and i told her to take off her pants.

She turned around and i started spanking her. I could hear her moan, her need for this. She was in ecstacy.

The power and control I felt was intoxicating.

I played with her pussy and spanked her for about two hours off and on. Then she asked me to fuck her, which I was ssurprised by since she said she doesn't want sex, just spanking.

I said no because I didn't have a condom. But even if I did, I would have said no.

Funny as it is to say, I'm still a frum guy and i wouldn't have done it.

She then stroked me off...she seemed to really like my cock.

But the best part of it all, was all the kissing we did. I LOVE kissing...the closeness, the intensity, the passion.

We agreed to meet again, but so far we haven't. But we have talked.

As hot as she is, I don't know if i want to see her again to spank her or to kiss her...

Perhaps both!!

Square or Round?

I'm back my popular demand!!

First, I want to say a few things and then to the topic of this entry.

There is someone who reads my blog and makes comments that are not constructive or helpful in any way. I'm not sure if this person is a he or she but he/she has some very strong opinions about me and this blog.

Let me say that I don't mind negative comments or criticism at all, but I find his/her comments very mean and inaccurate.

I do respect women greatly, to the contrary of what this person believes.

I'm not a bad guy and I try never to hurt anyone's feelings.

I just write about what I feel and experience.

So, I ask anyone who is offended by my blog to forgive me, but I will continue writing because it is therapeutic for me and interesting to hear other peoples' reactions.

But I would suggest to anyone that they stop reading my blog if it bothers them so much.

To the topic at hand.

It has recently come to my attention that a girl I went out and broke up with a few months ago has shown interest in me once more.

I might have a chance to go out with her again.

I love this girl. I really do. She is perfect for me. Everything I have ever wanted. She is too good for me. She is kind, sweet, giving, bright, pretty, frum etc etc.

She would make a wonderful wief and outstanding mother.

Just one thing. I didn't feel any chemistry, and I'm not sure if I'm attracted to her or not.

Other girls I've been out with, I've felt that connection right away, that need to see them, talk to them, etc....but not with her.

Sometimes I feel like I would not be a good husband to her because I can't get "excited" about her (and I don't only mean in a sexual way).

I don't want to end up like one of these sleazy married "frum" guys trolling the internet for other women.

But on the other hand, she is perfect for me and I do love her...but am I in love with her.

I broke up with her last time because of the pressure I felt that I couldn't feel the way I should be feeling towards her.

If I go for it, maybe it'll just be like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole (no sexual inuendo here).

It might never fit...but people have told me that attraction grows.

I think for every person and every couple is different.

Can a marriage really last and really be happy without that excitement to see the person when they walk in a room?

Any HELPFUL suggestions, thoughts and advice would be helpful...but at the end of the day, I know it's all on me!

Moron or Idiot??

I vote for both!!

That woman who I ruined my Yom Kippur over is already out of my life basically.

I am such a moron and an idiot for letting it affect me so much.

Even at the time I knew it was fleeting...just like every yetzer hara...and I still gave in.

Stupid stupid me.

Previously, I wrote about a girl I know who betrayed me like no one else ever has. I'm still upset about that. She used to be a slut.

She just had a baby BH, and she changed...she is sincerely trying to not be that slut again. But she is finding it difficult.

The following is the poem she wrote and showed me. It is powerful.

The trigger is pulled
the weights lowered
crushing
full
of my mistakes
parts of me I know exist
memories
I cannot forget
immense pressure
forced
to cower in fear
frightened
the addiction
overwhelmes me
takes over my senses
I try to search
to reach
looking for strength
to hold
I lose control
give in
addicted
I have failed

The trigger is been pulled again
the weights lowered
heavy
full
of past mistakes
parts of me
I wish did not exist
memories
I struggle to forget
irresistable pull
forced
to bend in fear
afraid
it will overwhelm me
take over my senses
I search deep
for love
grab onto it
hold it
light as a feather
it gives me strength
to stand again
gain control
I have succeded

Heaven or Hell??

That is the question of this time of year...heaven or hell?

"I put before you life and death...choose life" G-d tells us to choose life...duh!!

There are many explanations of this phrase in the Torah...but I lived it first hand last week.

I was good all of last week. Went to the mikve erev RH, didn't masturbate the whole week, although I kind of did look at porn and stroked myself but I didn't cum...I did have pre-cum, which according to some is just like fully masturbating...but I take the lenient view on that issues...lol

Then, I met this woman online on Tuesday and we started talking. I planted in her mind the seeds of my deepest fantasies. In the beginning, she wasn't into it at all.

Then on Thursday night we were talking on the phone and she asked me to start talking about those fantasies...so I did...and to be shock, she started thinking about them.

Long story short, we had explosive phone sex...and yes, I did cum...A LOT!! :(

From the very beginning while talking to her on thursday, I knew this was a test for me. I could feel it...day before yom kippur, this woman getting into exactly what I like.

I failed

miserably, horribly

I failed

As always I went to the mikve the next morning on erev YK. weird.

I looked at in positively to say that I messed up, but maybe that will make my YK more heartfelt, more intense.

BH, I usually have good YKs. I daven well, I even cry.

Well, not this YK. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I tried to have kavana, tried to have feeling, tried to cry...but nothing.

There were a few fleeting moments of inspiration, but they were interspersed with sexual thoughts of this woman. The only reason I thought about her was that she now fantasized about my deepest fantasies. That turned me on.

They say that on YK, there yetzer hara leaves you and I believe that. Yet, I found myself have impure thoughts and begining to develop erections.

I realized that it wasn't the yetzer hara...I realized that it was me!

G-d has to say to choose life, even though it's obvious is because it's NOT so obvious.

It wasn't obvious to me...or maybe it was and I just didn't care

My setback has made me try even harder this year. So, my system is, that everytime I masturbate I will write it down. not the time and date and what I was thinking about...lol, but just mark it down, so next year, I can count how many times I've done it this year and try to improve on it. Also, if I have it written down, I can see how manytimes I've done it and maybe that will discourage me for that time to do it again.

Even if that helps me one time, it is worth it.

The over-under is 750...I'm taking bets!! lol

Otherwise, life or death? heaven or hell?

Did I make my choice?

Did you?

Unholy Alliance or Urban Legend??

Recently, I've heard people talk about a friend of a friend whose third cousin twice removed sits beside a guy in shul who told him that he heard that there are swingers groups going on in the shul.

Yes, that is not new. I'm sure most of you reading this have heard these things before, but as you all know from reading my blog, I'm quite naive and innocent when it comes to subject matters such as these.

Specifically, I've heard it going on in shuls in 5-towns, Toronto, Far Rockaway and Brooklyn. Yes there are specific shuls that people talk about...and no, I'm not naming them here...but the membership must be very VERY expensive!! :)

I think they are all urban legends.

No one will actually come out and tell you they are part of such a group, and no one even knows anyone in such a group. It is always of the variety of lashon hara (yes, I know it might not be LH since, if it's true, they are a group od reshaim..evil ppl, so please don't comment on that since I went to yeshiva too :)) that I started this posting with...very indirect whispers.

At some point in the last 3400 did two jewish couples get together and swap? I'm sure they did!!!

Yes, being that there are rumors of specific synagogues might make one believe that they are true.

Notice that all the shuls on that infamous (or famous list) are more yeshivish type shuls...not completely, but you never hear of a modern shul with this happening.

Perhaps it could be some bias against sheitls and black hats...not sure.

The main reason I don't believe it is that I cannot fathom how that conversation starts among a couple.

Yes, I said many posts ago that a couple should be open and share their feelings and fantasies with each other. So maybe that's fine.

But I can't see how Moishy goes up to Shloimie during the mi sheberachs and says, "I really want to fuck your wife...but don't worry, you can fuck mine too"

I can't see that conversation taking place.

As I said, yes, it probably has taken place at some point. But that conversation taking place with 5 or 6 or 10 couples involved is UNIMAGINABLE!!!

There will be anonymous commenters on this post who I'm sure will write that they are involved in such a group...and I still won't believe it.

Either way, at this time of year, we have to realize that these groups are definitely an unholy alliance...so I HOPE they are urban legends.

Remember, if one is afraid of Yom Hadin, then he/she does not have to be afraid of Yom Hadin!!

Shana Tova