Goyim are not For Practice

So, I never ended up meeting with that girl. Not for lack of trying though.

Sometimes I feel like she really wants to meet me, but then it never happens. Either she chickens out or maybe she is just playing with me. I have mixed emotions about it, as well.

But I guess that's a good thing for my neshama that we didn't meet.

If we do meet, great...and if not, also great.

So, I haven't talked to the married girl I really care about in a long time, probably a month since our last real conversation.

I hope she's ok. She was in a bad place the last time we talked which was a week ago. I asked her how I could help. She said I couldn't...that no one could.

Maybe the reality of her life finally hit her.

I'll keep on davening for her, like always.

So, I will be out of touch for a few weeks due to a busy schedule. I may not be posting here for those few weeks.

But to my small but loyal following, I say have no fear, I shall return with a whole new set of adventures and ideas.

Maybe when I have some real time, I'll write about going to shadchanim (which I actually enjoy doing!!)

Goyim are for Practice

We've all heard that. That goyim are for practice. That Halachically, it's better to shtump a goy than a jewish girl who is a niddah.

But beyond halacha, is it right? Of course not. But...but...but

The reason I'm thinking about this is that I met this girl online who is not jewish. She is gorgeous, and out of my league.

For some strange reason, or not so strange reason since I'm a great guy or relatively decent looking in my own right, she likes me. She wants to meet me tomorrow...maybe for practice. We have talked for a long time online and we have developed a rapore

I'm torn. Even if I do meet her, I don't think I'll have sex, but I would love more than anything to make out with her.

I know it's wrong, but from her pictures she is sooooo sexy, I cannot resist.

H-shem always gives a person a test that they can overcome.

The problem is, I'm not sure I want to overcome...I think I want to succomb

At least she's not married, right?? :)

I'm not sure what I'm going to do

Holy or Phony??? Maybe Both??

This past shabbos, I was given Shishi, the 6th aliyah to the Torah, which is the aliyah with the Ten Commandments in it (10 Sayings to be Precise).

Somehow, I didn't feel worthy. Yes, I know more Torah than anyone else in the shul, yes I learn more, yes I try to do more things more of the time than anyone else there, but am I worthy??

I think I am.

Besides chatting online with women, married and otherwise, and masturbating a lot, I'm a pretty good jew.

But is that good enough to get that honour of the 6th aliyah?

I think I am not.

I chat with married women and have met a few of them in real life. True, the one or two I have met didn't go beyond kissing, yet I feel that I transgress the 7th commandment of "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery".

Technically, I did not transgress it. But in spirit, I did.

I teach a beginners Torah class. Last week, we spoke about the BIG 10. The people in my class focused their questions on the adultery one (notice how everyone is interested in sex!!). We branched off from there into talking about niddah, shomer negia etc.

As I was talking, I felt like I was pretending that I was such a frum guy because I don't touch, I don't spend time alone with women blah blah blah.

The thing is, I really feel that these laws are important and valuable, so maybe it's not pretending, since I really believe it.

Anyway, I'm taking a poll....Holy or phony??

Don't even get me started on the 10th Commandment....Do not Covet...Are you kidding me??

So, Peyton Manning and my Colts just lost the Super Bowl. PM is arguably the best player in the history of the NFL (even with that interception), but he is so humble, modest, low-key and tzanua. I love that. He has "chen". I love people with chen.

Next year peyton...next year...

Scaredy Cat

I just want to respond to the a comment that someone wrote to me on my last post.

I don't know who it is, but I respect and value everyone's thoughts and opinions.

Am I scared? No.

But I do find it hard to connect in real life with girls I go out with.

The conversations on dates seem to generic, boring, shallow.

With this married woman...and other people online, the conversations are deep, and yes, sexual...but mainly deep.

I get to know someone better online after 10 minutes than I do on weeks of dating.

I believe the shomer negia is amazing and has real value. However, I feel that it also is not conducive to really getting to know each other, and I don't mean having sex.

I mean that shomer negia adds to the fact that people have to act, and be, all frum.

Years ago, I spoke online to a married woman. Her "thing" was that she wanted to get spanked. Fine. But her husband was not into it at all. He didn't want to hurt her, but that is precisely what she wanted/needed.

I asked her, while she was going through shidduchim, if a guy on a first date said he was into spanking, how would she respond?

She was unsure. On the one hand, it would have appealed to her, and consequently, he would have appealed to her.

But, on the other hand, spanking is not what good, sweet frum boys are supposed to be into, so she would have been turned off, thinking he is a crazy freak.

So, it's a lose/lose situation.

My point, though, is that most people never find out what their spouse fantasizes about, and yet, online, I can find that out in a matter of minutes.

So, maybe being online has contributed to be inability to get close emotionally to someone in real life.

But, I doubt that's true. I really think that lately, the girls I've been out with are not really for me. So, I'm not scared at all. I welcome emotional and spiritual closeness

As I said, this girl that I "love", is not real love...never will be. I care about her a lot, but not love.

I also could never be married to her, the way she is currently acting.

She cares about me too. But, I doubt to the extent that I car eabout her.

I know the limits, I know the boundaries. In my own mind and in reality.

and even though I haven't talked to her in a long time (maybe she read this and is ignoring me), I still consider her a good friend.

A shining star in my life...but not love. and that's the way I want it. and that's the way she wants it

Light. Fun. Lust. Laughing.

I won't get hurt, because I know the score. I know it's all in fun. Even though I care about her, I keep it fun.

Love, Actually?

I'm in love.

I think I'm in love.

I might be in love.

I'm in lust.

I'm in like.

I have no idea what I'm in...and the reason is that she is married. (let's call her Celery Stick...CS)

I have chatted online with other married women before, many, but there is something different about CS. She has a certain innocent look to her, even though she is far from innocent.

When I see her on webcam, she has a smile that just melts me. I would do anything to get her to smile. She is the sweetest woman, and the best mother.

And she is married.

Even though I talk to married women, I never really considered having sex with them, as hot as the thought sounds. Making out, maybe...touching, yes. But full sex goes beyond my boundary.

However, I really want to have sex with CS. I have this intense, animalstic, passionate need for her. I want to make love to her and fuck her (and yes, those are two very different things)

At the same time, it's more than lust. Just talking to her makes me happy. Perhaps she helps me to be less lonely, I don't know. But, as I've gotten to know her, I've realized that she has a really good, if confused, neshama.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and meet her, before she met her husband, and make her fall in love with me.

She likes me, thinks I'm fun and cute, but she doesn't have the same emotional connection to me as I seem to have to her, nor should she.

She views me as a distraction, someone to pass the time with. I'm not the only one either. She speaks to other guys in the same way. I know that. I'm not oblivious or naive. She has even told me many times that she is not monogomous.

She has something about her that has drawn me in over time.

We have stopped chattign as often as we used to, but the last time we chatted recently, as we were leaving, I said to her, "you make me happy when skies are grey"...I REALLY wanted to finished the end of the song, "you'll never know dear, how much I love you"

But I stopped myself. I don't want to freak her out or make her think I'm nuts.

She's with me for fun, and I should be with her for fun...and I am, but it's more.

Now, the truth is, I would want to marry a girl like her. Well, not really, since she has done things that indicates that she does not respect her husband at all. She says she loves him, but she does not respect him in the least bit!

If my wife does what CS has done to her husband, I would be so torn up, you can't even imagine. CS knows she is wrong, but she doesn't regret it. She doesn't have high self esteem, and I try to build her confidence in herself

But I still have these strong feelings for her that I need to hold inside.

I just wish I could tell her how I feel. I wish we could talk more.

I wish...I wish...I wish...even though I know it's completely 100% fake, false, nothing. It is still nice to care about someone

CS, please don't take my sunshine away

Eisav Syndrome

So, on Shabbos, I was standing up in the front of my shul giving a dvar Torah, as usual (I'm even a better speaker than I am a writer...shocking, I know..lol).

I was explaining Rashi on a passuk, and just then, I was thinking, who am I to be talking, and giving a little mussar shmuz, as that is how my dvars usually end. I am the last person who should tell anyone how to live, daven, or conduct their lives.

That is what I call the Eisav Syndrome (ES). We all know the story of Eisav, who would be learning with his father, and even ask about Maaser on salt, and then, at night he would be grinding down at the Canaan Club with some really hot Plishtim and Canaaites. He was living a double life. He was living a hypocracy, a contradiction

Truthfully, every aveira we do is part of the whole ES. Saying Lashon Hara is living a contradiction if we truly believe it is wrong and H-shem doesn't want it.

And yet, obviously, in my mind there is a difference between Lashon Hara (going to hell the easy way!!) which doesn't seem so terrible (even though it is equal to the 3 BIG NO-NO'S) and other things that I do or have done.

Why do sexual things seem far worse than any other aveira. Maybe it is where my yetzer hara lies that I feel that way. Other people might actually feel that Lashon hara is worse for them.

I think it's true. For me, I can do 612 mitzvos, no problem, but when it comes to sexual immorality, kinks, masturbation, I cannot control myself, it seems. I have tried and been reasonable successful from time to time, but in general, I lose.

Which might be why the medresh says one of Tati Jake's (Yaacov Avinu) grandsons beheaded Eisav and his head rolled into the Maaras Hameachpela at Yaacov's funeral.

The reason is, b/c Eisav's head was worthy to be there, because he was a "Talmid Chocham". He knew everything...every gemara, every Tosfos off by heart...so his head is in the cave...

but his body, could NEVER EVER be worthy to be there for eternity.

As the Alter of Slobodka said, "It takes 70 years to travel from a person's head to his heart"

Shabbos Dvar Torah 1

The Gemara states that when a person passes away, he/she will be asked 3 questions. The first of which is "nasata v'natata b'emunah" (if I'm not mistaken), which is usually translated, did you deal honestly in business.

The Shlah HaKadosh interprets that line more literally and then expounds upon it.

It literally means "giving and taking with emunah (belief)". The Shlah says that giving and taking means a chavrusa, study partners who give and take and share ideas.

The Shlah says an amazing thing. The first question every single person is asked is....

DID YOU STRUGGLE WITH YOUR EMUNAH??

H-shem does not want robots. H-shem wants thinker, not automotons He wants people to search Him out.

The struggle does not mean you lack emunah...it is a necessary step to strengthen emunah.

Recently, many people have told me online and in the class I teach, and I have thought as well, that my emunah is shaky.

Especially for me now in my life it is very difficult to keep my emunah. But knowing that H-shem knows about our ups and downs and rides the wave with us, and He in fact, wants us to have a few down moments is an interesting idea to ponder.

So, for all of you reading this who are confused, saddened, regretful of things you've done and said in real life or online, just remember that the struggle you are having is one of kedusha and that H-shem loves us all and will continue to love us all.

H-shem wants us to question Him...that is how confident He is in taking care of us!!!

Have a holy and relaxing Shabbos and learn 5 minutes of Torah for someone other than yourself!!!