Square or Round?

I'm back my popular demand!!

First, I want to say a few things and then to the topic of this entry.

There is someone who reads my blog and makes comments that are not constructive or helpful in any way. I'm not sure if this person is a he or she but he/she has some very strong opinions about me and this blog.

Let me say that I don't mind negative comments or criticism at all, but I find his/her comments very mean and inaccurate.

I do respect women greatly, to the contrary of what this person believes.

I'm not a bad guy and I try never to hurt anyone's feelings.

I just write about what I feel and experience.

So, I ask anyone who is offended by my blog to forgive me, but I will continue writing because it is therapeutic for me and interesting to hear other peoples' reactions.

But I would suggest to anyone that they stop reading my blog if it bothers them so much.

To the topic at hand.

It has recently come to my attention that a girl I went out and broke up with a few months ago has shown interest in me once more.

I might have a chance to go out with her again.

I love this girl. I really do. She is perfect for me. Everything I have ever wanted. She is too good for me. She is kind, sweet, giving, bright, pretty, frum etc etc.

She would make a wonderful wief and outstanding mother.

Just one thing. I didn't feel any chemistry, and I'm not sure if I'm attracted to her or not.

Other girls I've been out with, I've felt that connection right away, that need to see them, talk to them, etc....but not with her.

Sometimes I feel like I would not be a good husband to her because I can't get "excited" about her (and I don't only mean in a sexual way).

I don't want to end up like one of these sleazy married "frum" guys trolling the internet for other women.

But on the other hand, she is perfect for me and I do love her...but am I in love with her.

I broke up with her last time because of the pressure I felt that I couldn't feel the way I should be feeling towards her.

If I go for it, maybe it'll just be like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole (no sexual inuendo here).

It might never fit...but people have told me that attraction grows.

I think for every person and every couple is different.

Can a marriage really last and really be happy without that excitement to see the person when they walk in a room?

Any HELPFUL suggestions, thoughts and advice would be helpful...but at the end of the day, I know it's all on me!

Moron or Idiot??

I vote for both!!

That woman who I ruined my Yom Kippur over is already out of my life basically.

I am such a moron and an idiot for letting it affect me so much.

Even at the time I knew it was fleeting...just like every yetzer hara...and I still gave in.

Stupid stupid me.

Previously, I wrote about a girl I know who betrayed me like no one else ever has. I'm still upset about that. She used to be a slut.

She just had a baby BH, and she changed...she is sincerely trying to not be that slut again. But she is finding it difficult.

The following is the poem she wrote and showed me. It is powerful.

The trigger is pulled
the weights lowered
crushing
full
of my mistakes
parts of me I know exist
memories
I cannot forget
immense pressure
forced
to cower in fear
frightened
the addiction
overwhelmes me
takes over my senses
I try to search
to reach
looking for strength
to hold
I lose control
give in
addicted
I have failed

The trigger is been pulled again
the weights lowered
heavy
full
of past mistakes
parts of me
I wish did not exist
memories
I struggle to forget
irresistable pull
forced
to bend in fear
afraid
it will overwhelm me
take over my senses
I search deep
for love
grab onto it
hold it
light as a feather
it gives me strength
to stand again
gain control
I have succeded

Heaven or Hell??

That is the question of this time of year...heaven or hell?

"I put before you life and death...choose life" G-d tells us to choose life...duh!!

There are many explanations of this phrase in the Torah...but I lived it first hand last week.

I was good all of last week. Went to the mikve erev RH, didn't masturbate the whole week, although I kind of did look at porn and stroked myself but I didn't cum...I did have pre-cum, which according to some is just like fully masturbating...but I take the lenient view on that issues...lol

Then, I met this woman online on Tuesday and we started talking. I planted in her mind the seeds of my deepest fantasies. In the beginning, she wasn't into it at all.

Then on Thursday night we were talking on the phone and she asked me to start talking about those fantasies...so I did...and to be shock, she started thinking about them.

Long story short, we had explosive phone sex...and yes, I did cum...A LOT!! :(

From the very beginning while talking to her on thursday, I knew this was a test for me. I could feel it...day before yom kippur, this woman getting into exactly what I like.

I failed

miserably, horribly

I failed

As always I went to the mikve the next morning on erev YK. weird.

I looked at in positively to say that I messed up, but maybe that will make my YK more heartfelt, more intense.

BH, I usually have good YKs. I daven well, I even cry.

Well, not this YK. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I tried to have kavana, tried to have feeling, tried to cry...but nothing.

There were a few fleeting moments of inspiration, but they were interspersed with sexual thoughts of this woman. The only reason I thought about her was that she now fantasized about my deepest fantasies. That turned me on.

They say that on YK, there yetzer hara leaves you and I believe that. Yet, I found myself have impure thoughts and begining to develop erections.

I realized that it wasn't the yetzer hara...I realized that it was me!

G-d has to say to choose life, even though it's obvious is because it's NOT so obvious.

It wasn't obvious to me...or maybe it was and I just didn't care

My setback has made me try even harder this year. So, my system is, that everytime I masturbate I will write it down. not the time and date and what I was thinking about...lol, but just mark it down, so next year, I can count how many times I've done it this year and try to improve on it. Also, if I have it written down, I can see how manytimes I've done it and maybe that will discourage me for that time to do it again.

Even if that helps me one time, it is worth it.

The over-under is 750...I'm taking bets!! lol

Otherwise, life or death? heaven or hell?

Did I make my choice?

Did you?

Unholy Alliance or Urban Legend??

Recently, I've heard people talk about a friend of a friend whose third cousin twice removed sits beside a guy in shul who told him that he heard that there are swingers groups going on in the shul.

Yes, that is not new. I'm sure most of you reading this have heard these things before, but as you all know from reading my blog, I'm quite naive and innocent when it comes to subject matters such as these.

Specifically, I've heard it going on in shuls in 5-towns, Toronto, Far Rockaway and Brooklyn. Yes there are specific shuls that people talk about...and no, I'm not naming them here...but the membership must be very VERY expensive!! :)

I think they are all urban legends.

No one will actually come out and tell you they are part of such a group, and no one even knows anyone in such a group. It is always of the variety of lashon hara (yes, I know it might not be LH since, if it's true, they are a group od reshaim..evil ppl, so please don't comment on that since I went to yeshiva too :)) that I started this posting with...very indirect whispers.

At some point in the last 3400 did two jewish couples get together and swap? I'm sure they did!!!

Yes, being that there are rumors of specific synagogues might make one believe that they are true.

Notice that all the shuls on that infamous (or famous list) are more yeshivish type shuls...not completely, but you never hear of a modern shul with this happening.

Perhaps it could be some bias against sheitls and black hats...not sure.

The main reason I don't believe it is that I cannot fathom how that conversation starts among a couple.

Yes, I said many posts ago that a couple should be open and share their feelings and fantasies with each other. So maybe that's fine.

But I can't see how Moishy goes up to Shloimie during the mi sheberachs and says, "I really want to fuck your wife...but don't worry, you can fuck mine too"

I can't see that conversation taking place.

As I said, yes, it probably has taken place at some point. But that conversation taking place with 5 or 6 or 10 couples involved is UNIMAGINABLE!!!

There will be anonymous commenters on this post who I'm sure will write that they are involved in such a group...and I still won't believe it.

Either way, at this time of year, we have to realize that these groups are definitely an unholy alliance...so I HOPE they are urban legends.

Remember, if one is afraid of Yom Hadin, then he/she does not have to be afraid of Yom Hadin!!

Shana Tova

Real Improvement or Pipe Dream?

Shana Tova to all my loyal readers, and everyone in general!!

I had a spiritually uplifting Rosh Hashanah. I even cried at certain points, BH!!

Makes me feel that I'm not a lost cause.

As every year, I have made 2 "New Year's Resolutions". Well, I made more than 2, but my philosophy is at least one ben adam lemakom and one ben adam l'chavero.

I decided to try to cut my masturbation down to twice a week.

Why not to cut it out altogether, you ask?? Because, I know myself. I know that I will not be able to sustain that for the long run.

As it is, I masturbate a number of times per day on average. But I felt that twice a week is probably the amount that I would NEED to do it, but that it would still be a challenge.

That's not to say that if i only did it once and it's the end of the week, I'll do it one more time just to be yotzeh doing it twice.

I really want to stop. As pleasurable as it may be, I feel lonely and sad afterwards most of the time.

But I fear I won't be able to keep it up. I fear I'll do it much more...especially, when I get down, have a bad day or a bad date or whatever.

but I'm trying....

I hope my dream doesn't evaporate in a cloud of smoke.

Any thoughts??

Fantasy or Fiction??

Hello all my loyal readers,

I know I haven't written in about a month.

Part of the reason is that apparently I did something against the rules so I don't make money here anymore..I should email them.

But most of the reason that I didn't post anything is that nothing interesting really happened.

I dated a few very nice and sweet girls, but sadly, they are not for me, and I'm not for them.

But, a few days ago, something happened.

In one of my more weak moments (i.e. horny), I basically admitted to someone that I have fantasies about her. Why I did that, I have no idea. I'm still kicking myself for it.

Yes, she is sweet, and beautiful and funny and has this radiant smile and is just so unbelievably sexy...but it was wrong to do that.

Most of the time, you shouldn't verbalize fantasies unless you're in a loving and stable marriage. In that case, I think it might be healthy.

Anyway, she gave me a tongue lashing. She said everyone has thoughts but it's wrong for me to tell her. She said it's elul and i need to do tshuva and fight my yetzer hara and she said I should get serious and find a wife.

All are 100% true, except the last one. I am serious, and I am trying hard to get married.

People mistakenly believe that it is so easy for everyone to get married. Like there is a "Spouse" aisle at Walgreens and all you have to do is walk down the aisle (literally and figuratively) and pick one and voila...happily ever after!!!

Doesn't work that way...for most people.

Also, I believe that whatever fantasy life I have does not hinder my chances of getting married, it helps it.

Because I know how empty it is. I know after phone sex or watching a woman on webcam the empty and lonely feeling that exists.

What I do is not to replace a wife, it is just to feed the beast that burns inside me.

I'm a sweet frum guy. I'm sincerely frum BECAUSE of my fantasies and what I do online...not in spite of it. What I do is wrong, and I'm not justifying it at all. But the older people get remaining single, the less frum many of them become in all aspects. Shabbat gets more lenient, kosher too, shomer negia for sure.

Even though it is a fiction, I'm still relatively strong in all those areas because I have an outlet...even though my emunah may waver once in a blue moon, I still stay strong and committed

I know with 100% certainty that when I finally find my wife (BH soon) that I will totally and completely stop all of this. That's not even a question.

This woman is still sweet and I respect her greatly for how she responded to me...and to respect her even more, I will attempt not to think about her during my weak moments.

But in all her reasons for why my thoughts of her are wrong (and there are a few very good and primary ones), she never mentioned one thing.

She never said that it was because she is married...

Might there be a reason for that??

I wonder..

Masturbate...or Not??

Today is Tisha Bav, in my opinion, the beginning of the Tshuva season.

I do try to shed at least one tear over the Destruction, and I have in the past, but it's becoming more difficult as the years move forward.

I am still hopeful that I will cry before the day is done.

I initially told myself that today I wouldn't come online as my form of giving something up (besides food) in my march towrds Rosh Hashonah.

Obviously, I did not keep to that.

Along with that, I have committed to not masturbating today.

But it's soooo hard (double entendre intended) not to.

I need to rub one (or 2 or 3) out so badly.

What should I do?

I'm hoping to stay strong

Have a meaningful fast