Masturbate...or Not??

Today is Tisha Bav, in my opinion, the beginning of the Tshuva season.

I do try to shed at least one tear over the Destruction, and I have in the past, but it's becoming more difficult as the years move forward.

I am still hopeful that I will cry before the day is done.

I initially told myself that today I wouldn't come online as my form of giving something up (besides food) in my march towrds Rosh Hashonah.

Obviously, I did not keep to that.

Along with that, I have committed to not masturbating today.

But it's soooo hard (double entendre intended) not to.

I need to rub one (or 2 or 3) out so badly.

What should I do?

I'm hoping to stay strong

Have a meaningful fast

Right or Wrong???

Throughout my travels online, I have lived by one major rule.

IF IT SEEMS FISHY, IT USUALLY IS!

If I'm talking to someone and it seems off or just not in the realm of believability, then I stop talking to them immediately.

This rule has served me well and almost every single time I have used it, I found that I was correct. Something just didn't add up.

Until this past week.

Over the course of the last 5 years I have talked with this girl on and off. She would come online every few months and we would talk. She is kinky like me and she's fun.

But, I had never seen her on webcam or heard her voice over the phone. After a while, I stop talking to these people for fear that they are guys who are just looking to get off.

I must admit that I thought about "her" that way too. But, there was something about her. A sincerity, a certain kindness.

So, I decided to give her a chance. I figured if she is a guy then he's laughing at me, but I'm not doing anything sexual, so who cares. I just enjoyed her company.

A few years ago, this girl got married and went offline for awhile.

A few months ago, she appeared online and we reconnected. I started asking her to go on mic or cam and she refused. I was sure she was a guy.

I was torn up. All I wanted was a 5 second webcam turn-on. just to verify.

She showed me picture of her and her family and even her naked.

At that point, I smelled something fishy.

It isn't logical for a girl to send me a naked picture of herself and not show me her face on webcam for a second.

From her perspective, she said going on cam or mic makes what she is doing more "real" and she already felt guilty enough, and she didn't want to go down the slippery slope.

I said that I understood completely, but I cannot continue to talk with someone who I suspect to be other than what she claims.

I really do care about her, but I couldn't continue.

She cares about me too.

Which is why, in a last ditch effort, she went on her mic for me and said 5 words to me.

A girl's voice!!! phew!!

Now I have menuchas hanefesh and we can progress if she wants.

I know it was an internal struggle for her, but I so appreciate her trusting me.

I still don't know if she is the girl that she showed me pictures of, but I don't care.

I like HER, not only her look.

As long as she is a real girl, I'm happy.

So, maybe my one rule isn't so infallible after all

Betrayal or Bitachon?

For the first time ever in 10 years of chatting, I have been hurt and betrayed in the worst way possible.

I'm torn up about it.

Last week, I invited two married women I chat with to a conference call.

It was kind of a 3-some, but not exactly...no real hard core phone sex going on.

Immediately afterwards, I regreted introducing them to each other. They are both lovely women and even though they both chat online, one is far worse than the other. One actually meets other men and fucks them.

Since that night, they both asked me to introduce them online so they could chat. I didn't want that to happen.

But apparently, they found each other despite everything...bashert, right?

So, I told the "really bad" girl that I regreted introducing them and that I asked her a favour not to corrupt the other girl. She assured me that she wouldn't.

Literally 3 hours later, the other girl told me that RBG introduced her to a man in her same city and that they were chatting. She told me that RBG is trying to corrupt her and she laughed

I was livid!! After I just told her not to corrupt her.

If she does end up meeting this guy and doing anything, it will be on me, because I facilitated it.

Yes, she is an adult and she can make her own decisions, but she is already inclined to meet other guys, even if she hasn't yet.

I'm very upset.

I have always have trust and bitachon in people online, but this crushed me.

How could RBG be so stupid as to introduce a guy to her, knowing what might happen?

She probably feels better with what she's doing to know that other girls do it too, but that gives her no right.

After 2 years of talking, I stopped all contact with RBG immediately.

So, now I wonder about my online adventures....

Should I still have bitachon or should I worry about people betraying me?

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Where has all the Phone Fun Gone???

In my online travels, I have been very lucky.

Over the last 7 years, until about a year and a half ago, I have had regular phone sex partners.

But it was strange. It was like one girl every year. That girl would get married, start dating, or just decide she didn't want to do it anymore.

Then, almost miraculously, I would meet another girl very shortly afterwards to start the cycle again.

With each girl, I had a deep connection and strong emotional bonds, as it wasn't just phone sex.

A year and a half ago, the last girl I'm referring to got married and went offline, BH.

I have yet to meet the "next" sweet, wonderful girl for regular chatting and fun.

I have met a few women since who were very fun and I like a lot, but for whatever reason they cannot talk on a regular basis due to other factors going on in their lives.

I have yet to meet another girl wo has the time, willingness and desire to have phone conversations on a regular basis.

But I was thinking...even if I did meet such a girl, why not just date her seriously?

Three-Some or Three's a Crowd??

Where do I find these people?

I met a woman online recently who is in her mid 50s and going through a sexual awakening of sorts.

She is actually going through it with her husband at the same time.

They venture out to certain clubs together, and find exhibitionism very erotic.

Well, one day her and I were talking over the microphone, when her husband came in the room and started touching her.

He knows about me.

Long story short, he was fucking her as I was talking to her.

very very hot!!! hope to do it again.

but still...kind of weird

and no, I'm NOT GAY in any way...so don't even go there...lol

For Love, Marriage....or for Sex????

What the hell is wrong with me? Ok, don't answer that...lol

I got set up with a very nice girl and I called her for the first time last night.

It was a very fun, pleasant, easy going conversation. I really enjoyed her company...until....

Until a girl came online who I know who I have had great phone sex with in the past, and who might want to have phone sex again.

I've had phone sex with her hundreds of times, but in the last year, she has been better, or just not in the mood, or needing the "real thing".

So, for the mere glimmer of hope that some girl would help me shoot my load, I kind of ignore this wonderful girl on the phone.

Sure, I still talked to her with fake laughter, saying "ya" when appropriate,and even interjecting a story or two.

But my focus was diverted elsewhere.

I obviously want love and marriage, both together ideally (unfortunately that can be mutually exclusive these days), but my body tells me that I want to hear this other girl moan with pleasure.

What is wrong with me?

Oh, and you all probably guessed....no phone sex with that online girl...she wasn't in the mood.

I soooo wish I wasn't in the mood either

Sex or marriage.

Why am I constantly drawn to the wrong choice?