Heaven or Hell??

That is the question of this time of year...heaven or hell?

"I put before you life and death...choose life" G-d tells us to choose life...duh!!

There are many explanations of this phrase in the Torah...but I lived it first hand last week.

I was good all of last week. Went to the mikve erev RH, didn't masturbate the whole week, although I kind of did look at porn and stroked myself but I didn't cum...I did have pre-cum, which according to some is just like fully masturbating...but I take the lenient view on that issues...lol

Then, I met this woman online on Tuesday and we started talking. I planted in her mind the seeds of my deepest fantasies. In the beginning, she wasn't into it at all.

Then on Thursday night we were talking on the phone and she asked me to start talking about those fantasies...so I did...and to be shock, she started thinking about them.

Long story short, we had explosive phone sex...and yes, I did cum...A LOT!! :(

From the very beginning while talking to her on thursday, I knew this was a test for me. I could feel it...day before yom kippur, this woman getting into exactly what I like.

I failed

miserably, horribly

I failed

As always I went to the mikve the next morning on erev YK. weird.

I looked at in positively to say that I messed up, but maybe that will make my YK more heartfelt, more intense.

BH, I usually have good YKs. I daven well, I even cry.

Well, not this YK. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I tried to have kavana, tried to have feeling, tried to cry...but nothing.

There were a few fleeting moments of inspiration, but they were interspersed with sexual thoughts of this woman. The only reason I thought about her was that she now fantasized about my deepest fantasies. That turned me on.

They say that on YK, there yetzer hara leaves you and I believe that. Yet, I found myself have impure thoughts and begining to develop erections.

I realized that it wasn't the yetzer hara...I realized that it was me!

G-d has to say to choose life, even though it's obvious is because it's NOT so obvious.

It wasn't obvious to me...or maybe it was and I just didn't care

My setback has made me try even harder this year. So, my system is, that everytime I masturbate I will write it down. not the time and date and what I was thinking about...lol, but just mark it down, so next year, I can count how many times I've done it this year and try to improve on it. Also, if I have it written down, I can see how manytimes I've done it and maybe that will discourage me for that time to do it again.

Even if that helps me one time, it is worth it.

The over-under is 750...I'm taking bets!! lol

Otherwise, life or death? heaven or hell?

Did I make my choice?

Did you?

Unholy Alliance or Urban Legend??

Recently, I've heard people talk about a friend of a friend whose third cousin twice removed sits beside a guy in shul who told him that he heard that there are swingers groups going on in the shul.

Yes, that is not new. I'm sure most of you reading this have heard these things before, but as you all know from reading my blog, I'm quite naive and innocent when it comes to subject matters such as these.

Specifically, I've heard it going on in shuls in 5-towns, Toronto, Far Rockaway and Brooklyn. Yes there are specific shuls that people talk about...and no, I'm not naming them here...but the membership must be very VERY expensive!! :)

I think they are all urban legends.

No one will actually come out and tell you they are part of such a group, and no one even knows anyone in such a group. It is always of the variety of lashon hara (yes, I know it might not be LH since, if it's true, they are a group od reshaim..evil ppl, so please don't comment on that since I went to yeshiva too :)) that I started this posting with...very indirect whispers.

At some point in the last 3400 did two jewish couples get together and swap? I'm sure they did!!!

Yes, being that there are rumors of specific synagogues might make one believe that they are true.

Notice that all the shuls on that infamous (or famous list) are more yeshivish type shuls...not completely, but you never hear of a modern shul with this happening.

Perhaps it could be some bias against sheitls and black hats...not sure.

The main reason I don't believe it is that I cannot fathom how that conversation starts among a couple.

Yes, I said many posts ago that a couple should be open and share their feelings and fantasies with each other. So maybe that's fine.

But I can't see how Moishy goes up to Shloimie during the mi sheberachs and says, "I really want to fuck your wife...but don't worry, you can fuck mine too"

I can't see that conversation taking place.

As I said, yes, it probably has taken place at some point. But that conversation taking place with 5 or 6 or 10 couples involved is UNIMAGINABLE!!!

There will be anonymous commenters on this post who I'm sure will write that they are involved in such a group...and I still won't believe it.

Either way, at this time of year, we have to realize that these groups are definitely an unholy alliance...so I HOPE they are urban legends.

Remember, if one is afraid of Yom Hadin, then he/she does not have to be afraid of Yom Hadin!!

Shana Tova

Real Improvement or Pipe Dream?

Shana Tova to all my loyal readers, and everyone in general!!

I had a spiritually uplifting Rosh Hashanah. I even cried at certain points, BH!!

Makes me feel that I'm not a lost cause.

As every year, I have made 2 "New Year's Resolutions". Well, I made more than 2, but my philosophy is at least one ben adam lemakom and one ben adam l'chavero.

I decided to try to cut my masturbation down to twice a week.

Why not to cut it out altogether, you ask?? Because, I know myself. I know that I will not be able to sustain that for the long run.

As it is, I masturbate a number of times per day on average. But I felt that twice a week is probably the amount that I would NEED to do it, but that it would still be a challenge.

That's not to say that if i only did it once and it's the end of the week, I'll do it one more time just to be yotzeh doing it twice.

I really want to stop. As pleasurable as it may be, I feel lonely and sad afterwards most of the time.

But I fear I won't be able to keep it up. I fear I'll do it much more...especially, when I get down, have a bad day or a bad date or whatever.

but I'm trying....

I hope my dream doesn't evaporate in a cloud of smoke.

Any thoughts??