Heaven or Hell??

That is the question of this time of year...heaven or hell?

"I put before you life and death...choose life" G-d tells us to choose life...duh!!

There are many explanations of this phrase in the Torah...but I lived it first hand last week.

I was good all of last week. Went to the mikve erev RH, didn't masturbate the whole week, although I kind of did look at porn and stroked myself but I didn't cum...I did have pre-cum, which according to some is just like fully masturbating...but I take the lenient view on that issues...lol

Then, I met this woman online on Tuesday and we started talking. I planted in her mind the seeds of my deepest fantasies. In the beginning, she wasn't into it at all.

Then on Thursday night we were talking on the phone and she asked me to start talking about those fantasies...so I did...and to be shock, she started thinking about them.

Long story short, we had explosive phone sex...and yes, I did cum...A LOT!! :(

From the very beginning while talking to her on thursday, I knew this was a test for me. I could feel it...day before yom kippur, this woman getting into exactly what I like.

I failed

miserably, horribly

I failed

As always I went to the mikve the next morning on erev YK. weird.

I looked at in positively to say that I messed up, but maybe that will make my YK more heartfelt, more intense.

BH, I usually have good YKs. I daven well, I even cry.

Well, not this YK. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I tried to have kavana, tried to have feeling, tried to cry...but nothing.

There were a few fleeting moments of inspiration, but they were interspersed with sexual thoughts of this woman. The only reason I thought about her was that she now fantasized about my deepest fantasies. That turned me on.

They say that on YK, there yetzer hara leaves you and I believe that. Yet, I found myself have impure thoughts and begining to develop erections.

I realized that it wasn't the yetzer hara...I realized that it was me!

G-d has to say to choose life, even though it's obvious is because it's NOT so obvious.

It wasn't obvious to me...or maybe it was and I just didn't care

My setback has made me try even harder this year. So, my system is, that everytime I masturbate I will write it down. not the time and date and what I was thinking about...lol, but just mark it down, so next year, I can count how many times I've done it this year and try to improve on it. Also, if I have it written down, I can see how manytimes I've done it and maybe that will discourage me for that time to do it again.

Even if that helps me one time, it is worth it.

The over-under is 750...I'm taking bets!! lol

Otherwise, life or death? heaven or hell?

Did I make my choice?

Did you?