Loathing of Lobbies

I apologize to all my loyal followers (however few in number you may be).

I have not written anything in about 3 weeks because I was away in Israel, and I did not have access to a computer where I could write freely.

I just landed today...Motzei Shabbos flights are the worst...but that is a topic for another day.

While in Israel, I got set up with a few girls. They were all very sweet, but not for me.

I am a shadchan's dream guy. I'm frum, a professional, sweet, funny, etc etc...the shadchanim like me so much,sometimes I wish I could date them!!

So this one shadchan calls me up and says that the girl has agreed to go out with me and that for the first date, I should go to a hotel lobby.

I informed the woman that a hotel lobby really isn't my style. I'd much rather go to a coffee shop, or chas veshalom, actually spend a few dollars buy the girl something to eat!!

The shadchan responded with a definitive NO! The girl is frum and wants to go to a hotel lobby, as this is how it is done in Israel (I have dated in Israel for many years and that is not necessarily true).

I relented and said if that's where the girl feels most comfortable then that is fine with me. I could care less.

The next morning the shadchan calls me back and says, "OK, no lobby". I asked what happened.

She told the girl that she told me that we needed to go to a hotel lobby, but that I really didn't want to, but she made me go.

The girl told the shadchan, "Baruch H-shem, I hate hotel lobbies".

The shadchan attributed her loathing of lobbies to her originating from a location a bit outside the main frummy enclaves...as if every "normal" frum girl from Flatbush or Monsey loves the lobby.

In any case, that was already a gold star for the girl in my book!!

We ended up going to some very quaint little coffee shop. She was very sweet and wanted to go out again. For a specific reason (no, not looks), I declined.

My rant on this day is that the frum world nowadays has inented these artificial constructs that are so arbitrary and they treat it as if Moshe brought it down from the mountain.

I have spent my whole life in yeshiva and I'm almost positive that there is no commandment, "Thou shall sit awkwardly in a hotel lobby when thou takes a chick out on a date"

There is no halacha anywhere that says that...even in contemporary sources.

Yet, this shadchan, even though meaning well, stated that a lobby is a must.

For many girls and guys that is true. I respect that. But for them, it is a must as a social construct more than a religious one.

Another arbitrary construct is separate seating. Until 60 years ago, not even the frummest and most holy people had separate seating functions. It is a bit different than the lobby, because separate seating does have contemporary halachic support.

A rabbi I learn with and respect greatly had a point of view that if 5 single guys and 5 single girls are sitting at a table together at a wedding, the mind (at least of the guys) would wander.

I wholeheartedly agreed. (But I also said, that maybe the mind wanders because boys and girls are so separate that when they finally do interact, it creates impure thoughts that might not otherwise be there)

(As an aside, that made me think of a cute joke.

What is black, white, and red all over? A yeshiva bochur on a date!!! Cute, I know.)

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...

But I asked what the difference would be if a shadchan set me up on dates which each of those 5 girls individually. Wouldn't I be having impure thoughts then too? He responded that I wouldn't given that it is in the different framework and context.

Maybe, maybe not.

I'm not a rabbi...yet, but all I know is one thing.

Frumkeit does NOT necessarily equal Yiddishkeit