Am I Still a Virgin?

As I said in my initial posting, I have been a relatively good boy. I consider myself a virgin...but am I?

When I chat with people online, sometime I embellish and make stuff up, not because I am embarrassed to be a virgin, but just to have something interesting to talk about.

I'm actually quite glad I'm a virgin. I have always wanted to wait for my wedding night. Yes, it might be an antiquated notion, and yes, I am an incurable romantic, but there is something quite nice and special about your first time beign with your spouse.

So, I love being a virgin, but am I?

I kissed a girl for the first time when I was 22 or 23. It was the most romantic moment of my life, and I don't regret it in the least bit. Maybe I should feel guilty that I don't feel guilty.

Besides a few times kissing her, I was good. But yet, I felt that I was missing out.

I met a girl online when I was about 26. She was a bit older. We hit it off instantly, talked on the phone, laughed for hours. Then one night on the phone, 2 weeks she invited me to her place. I knew I wasn't going over there to watch Disney movies, but I didn't think it would go as far as it did, nor did I necessarily want it too.

I arrived at her house and when she opened the door, I was surprised in that she was even more attractive in person than in her picture.

I sat down on her couch, and we talked. I guess I was nervous because she leaned in and kissed me. I should have left right then and there. She was a smoker, and when she kissed me it was gross, and it didn't feel like my first kiss...no romance, no intensity, just pure animalistic lust...which does have its place, but not for a first time.

One thing led to another, and we were both naked, and she was sucking on my hard cock. You'd
think I would cum in 23 seconds given it was my first time, but I think I was in shock that a woman was actually giving my a bj that I couldn't cum...the more I couldn't cum, there "angrier" she got, trying to make me cum, but it didn't happen.

Then she wanted me to work on her. I did not have any experience whatsoever, so I guess instinct took over and I fingered her like a New York cabbie getting cut off!!! I was just going at her with my hands, mouth. I found her clit, and I sucked on it, licked it, circled her clit with the tip of my tongue, nibbled on it.

She had about 4 or 5 orgasms. I know because I felt her contracting against my fingers and the liquid gushing. The last orgasm she had, she was shaking, her body shuddered, convulsed, and I believe she squirted.

She got this look in her eyes, a gaze of lust. Just then she pushed me onto the couch, sat on my lap said she'll make me feel good and put me inside her!!!

I was flabbergasted, stunned, in awe and totally motionless. I couldn't move. But after literally 3 or 4 seconds I pushed her off me.

I didn't want it. Not that way.

I ended up stroking myself and cumming on her tits.

On the way home, I felt gross, used, like I gave something away.

The only thing I could think of was, "After all these years of imagining, thinking and fantasizing about sex, that's all it's like??"

I freaked out. I deleted all my internet accounts, I went to get tested for STDs, which, Baruch H-shem I do not have.

I did full and complete tshuva...and yet, as you can see I'm back here...and I've been back online for quite sometime.

So, am I still a virgin? Halachically, I know I'm not. Technically, I know I'm not.

But then why do I still tell people I am??

Was I raped?

Why do I tell the married woman I talk to online that I want to lose my virginity to her. Yes, I talk to a married woman. I know it's wrong, but married women are my yetzer hara...anything taboo is. The more taboo the better.

But this woman is not just a phone sex partner. I care deeply for her. But that will need to wait for another posting. Maybe tomorrow

Tizku L'Mitzvos