Love, Actually?

I'm in love.

I think I'm in love.

I might be in love.

I'm in lust.

I'm in like.

I have no idea what I'm in...and the reason is that she is married. (let's call her Celery Stick...CS)

I have chatted online with other married women before, many, but there is something different about CS. She has a certain innocent look to her, even though she is far from innocent.

When I see her on webcam, she has a smile that just melts me. I would do anything to get her to smile. She is the sweetest woman, and the best mother.

And she is married.

Even though I talk to married women, I never really considered having sex with them, as hot as the thought sounds. Making out, maybe...touching, yes. But full sex goes beyond my boundary.

However, I really want to have sex with CS. I have this intense, animalstic, passionate need for her. I want to make love to her and fuck her (and yes, those are two very different things)

At the same time, it's more than lust. Just talking to her makes me happy. Perhaps she helps me to be less lonely, I don't know. But, as I've gotten to know her, I've realized that she has a really good, if confused, neshama.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and meet her, before she met her husband, and make her fall in love with me.

She likes me, thinks I'm fun and cute, but she doesn't have the same emotional connection to me as I seem to have to her, nor should she.

She views me as a distraction, someone to pass the time with. I'm not the only one either. She speaks to other guys in the same way. I know that. I'm not oblivious or naive. She has even told me many times that she is not monogomous.

She has something about her that has drawn me in over time.

We have stopped chattign as often as we used to, but the last time we chatted recently, as we were leaving, I said to her, "you make me happy when skies are grey"...I REALLY wanted to finished the end of the song, "you'll never know dear, how much I love you"

But I stopped myself. I don't want to freak her out or make her think I'm nuts.

She's with me for fun, and I should be with her for fun...and I am, but it's more.

Now, the truth is, I would want to marry a girl like her. Well, not really, since she has done things that indicates that she does not respect her husband at all. She says she loves him, but she does not respect him in the least bit!

If my wife does what CS has done to her husband, I would be so torn up, you can't even imagine. CS knows she is wrong, but she doesn't regret it. She doesn't have high self esteem, and I try to build her confidence in herself

But I still have these strong feelings for her that I need to hold inside.

I just wish I could tell her how I feel. I wish we could talk more.

I wish...I wish...I wish...even though I know it's completely 100% fake, false, nothing. It is still nice to care about someone

CS, please don't take my sunshine away