I'm in love.
I think I'm in love.
I might be in love.
I'm in lust.
I'm in like.
I have no idea what I'm in...and the reason is that she is married. (let's call her Celery Stick...CS)
I have chatted online with other married women before, many, but there is something different about CS. She has a certain innocent look to her, even though she is far from innocent.
When I see her on webcam, she has a smile that just melts me. I would do anything to get her to smile. She is the sweetest woman, and the best mother.
And she is married.
Even though I talk to married women, I never really considered having sex with them, as hot as the thought sounds. Making out, maybe...touching, yes. But full sex goes beyond my boundary.
However, I really want to have sex with CS. I have this intense, animalstic, passionate need for her. I want to make love to her and fuck her (and yes, those are two very different things)
At the same time, it's more than lust. Just talking to her makes me happy. Perhaps she helps me to be less lonely, I don't know. But, as I've gotten to know her, I've realized that she has a really good, if confused, neshama.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and meet her, before she met her husband, and make her fall in love with me.
She likes me, thinks I'm fun and cute, but she doesn't have the same emotional connection to me as I seem to have to her, nor should she.
She views me as a distraction, someone to pass the time with. I'm not the only one either. She speaks to other guys in the same way. I know that. I'm not oblivious or naive. She has even told me many times that she is not monogomous.
She has something about her that has drawn me in over time.
We have stopped chattign as often as we used to, but the last time we chatted recently, as we were leaving, I said to her, "you make me happy when skies are grey"...I REALLY wanted to finished the end of the song, "you'll never know dear, how much I love you"
But I stopped myself. I don't want to freak her out or make her think I'm nuts.
She's with me for fun, and I should be with her for fun...and I am, but it's more.
Now, the truth is, I would want to marry a girl like her. Well, not really, since she has done things that indicates that she does not respect her husband at all. She says she loves him, but she does not respect him in the least bit!
If my wife does what CS has done to her husband, I would be so torn up, you can't even imagine. CS knows she is wrong, but she doesn't regret it. She doesn't have high self esteem, and I try to build her confidence in herself
But I still have these strong feelings for her that I need to hold inside.
I just wish I could tell her how I feel. I wish we could talk more.
I wish...I wish...I wish...even though I know it's completely 100% fake, false, nothing. It is still nice to care about someone
CS, please don't take my sunshine away
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Eisav Syndrome
So, on Shabbos, I was standing up in the front of my shul giving a dvar Torah, as usual (I'm even a better speaker than I am a writer...shocking, I know..lol).
I was explaining Rashi on a passuk, and just then, I was thinking, who am I to be talking, and giving a little mussar shmuz, as that is how my dvars usually end. I am the last person who should tell anyone how to live, daven, or conduct their lives.
That is what I call the Eisav Syndrome (ES). We all know the story of Eisav, who would be learning with his father, and even ask about Maaser on salt, and then, at night he would be grinding down at the Canaan Club with some really hot Plishtim and Canaaites. He was living a double life. He was living a hypocracy, a contradiction
Truthfully, every aveira we do is part of the whole ES. Saying Lashon Hara is living a contradiction if we truly believe it is wrong and H-shem doesn't want it.
And yet, obviously, in my mind there is a difference between Lashon Hara (going to hell the easy way!!) which doesn't seem so terrible (even though it is equal to the 3 BIG NO-NO'S) and other things that I do or have done.
Why do sexual things seem far worse than any other aveira. Maybe it is where my yetzer hara lies that I feel that way. Other people might actually feel that Lashon hara is worse for them.
I think it's true. For me, I can do 612 mitzvos, no problem, but when it comes to sexual immorality, kinks, masturbation, I cannot control myself, it seems. I have tried and been reasonable successful from time to time, but in general, I lose.
Which might be why the medresh says one of Tati Jake's (Yaacov Avinu) grandsons beheaded Eisav and his head rolled into the Maaras Hameachpela at Yaacov's funeral.
The reason is, b/c Eisav's head was worthy to be there, because he was a "Talmid Chocham". He knew everything...every gemara, every Tosfos off by heart...so his head is in the cave...
but his body, could NEVER EVER be worthy to be there for eternity.
As the Alter of Slobodka said, "It takes 70 years to travel from a person's head to his heart"
I was explaining Rashi on a passuk, and just then, I was thinking, who am I to be talking, and giving a little mussar shmuz, as that is how my dvars usually end. I am the last person who should tell anyone how to live, daven, or conduct their lives.
That is what I call the Eisav Syndrome (ES). We all know the story of Eisav, who would be learning with his father, and even ask about Maaser on salt, and then, at night he would be grinding down at the Canaan Club with some really hot Plishtim and Canaaites. He was living a double life. He was living a hypocracy, a contradiction
Truthfully, every aveira we do is part of the whole ES. Saying Lashon Hara is living a contradiction if we truly believe it is wrong and H-shem doesn't want it.
And yet, obviously, in my mind there is a difference between Lashon Hara (going to hell the easy way!!) which doesn't seem so terrible (even though it is equal to the 3 BIG NO-NO'S) and other things that I do or have done.
Why do sexual things seem far worse than any other aveira. Maybe it is where my yetzer hara lies that I feel that way. Other people might actually feel that Lashon hara is worse for them.
I think it's true. For me, I can do 612 mitzvos, no problem, but when it comes to sexual immorality, kinks, masturbation, I cannot control myself, it seems. I have tried and been reasonable successful from time to time, but in general, I lose.
Which might be why the medresh says one of Tati Jake's (Yaacov Avinu) grandsons beheaded Eisav and his head rolled into the Maaras Hameachpela at Yaacov's funeral.
The reason is, b/c Eisav's head was worthy to be there, because he was a "Talmid Chocham". He knew everything...every gemara, every Tosfos off by heart...so his head is in the cave...
but his body, could NEVER EVER be worthy to be there for eternity.
As the Alter of Slobodka said, "It takes 70 years to travel from a person's head to his heart"
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Shabbos Dvar Torah 1
The Gemara states that when a person passes away, he/she will be asked 3 questions. The first of which is "nasata v'natata b'emunah" (if I'm not mistaken), which is usually translated, did you deal honestly in business.
The Shlah HaKadosh interprets that line more literally and then expounds upon it.
It literally means "giving and taking with emunah (belief)". The Shlah says that giving and taking means a chavrusa, study partners who give and take and share ideas.
The Shlah says an amazing thing. The first question every single person is asked is....
DID YOU STRUGGLE WITH YOUR EMUNAH??
H-shem does not want robots. H-shem wants thinker, not automotons He wants people to search Him out.
The struggle does not mean you lack emunah...it is a necessary step to strengthen emunah.
Recently, many people have told me online and in the class I teach, and I have thought as well, that my emunah is shaky.
Especially for me now in my life it is very difficult to keep my emunah. But knowing that H-shem knows about our ups and downs and rides the wave with us, and He in fact, wants us to have a few down moments is an interesting idea to ponder.
So, for all of you reading this who are confused, saddened, regretful of things you've done and said in real life or online, just remember that the struggle you are having is one of kedusha and that H-shem loves us all and will continue to love us all.
H-shem wants us to question Him...that is how confident He is in taking care of us!!!
Have a holy and relaxing Shabbos and learn 5 minutes of Torah for someone other than yourself!!!
The Shlah HaKadosh interprets that line more literally and then expounds upon it.
It literally means "giving and taking with emunah (belief)". The Shlah says that giving and taking means a chavrusa, study partners who give and take and share ideas.
The Shlah says an amazing thing. The first question every single person is asked is....
DID YOU STRUGGLE WITH YOUR EMUNAH??
H-shem does not want robots. H-shem wants thinker, not automotons He wants people to search Him out.
The struggle does not mean you lack emunah...it is a necessary step to strengthen emunah.
Recently, many people have told me online and in the class I teach, and I have thought as well, that my emunah is shaky.
Especially for me now in my life it is very difficult to keep my emunah. But knowing that H-shem knows about our ups and downs and rides the wave with us, and He in fact, wants us to have a few down moments is an interesting idea to ponder.
So, for all of you reading this who are confused, saddened, regretful of things you've done and said in real life or online, just remember that the struggle you are having is one of kedusha and that H-shem loves us all and will continue to love us all.
H-shem wants us to question Him...that is how confident He is in taking care of us!!!
Have a holy and relaxing Shabbos and learn 5 minutes of Torah for someone other than yourself!!!
1% Majority
The internet is the most destructive invention of our generation. But I have decided not to rail against it, since I take advantage of it too. Also, it is the case, that I have so much to rant about on the subject, I have no idea where to begin.
First, let me tell you about my friend, let's call her Blueberry (BB). She is frum and comes from a relatively sheltered world. She had no interaction with the opposite sex of any kind. She started chatting online maybe 2 months ago and already she has surpassed every boundary she thought was set in stone. She met and has sex with men, many men, perhaps even many many men. Married men even!!
When she first starting in the chatroom, she would give mussar to all the married people looking to "hook up"...and in a short time frame, she has sunken to their levels.
What does that say? Perhaps that says more about her and her vulnerability and her pain more than it says about the internet (since she is divorced), but maybe it says something about the internet too.
Even now, she tells me she is digusted with herself, but does not feel guilty. She says she is confused, angry, wishes she can go back 2 months when she was still a nice frum divorced young woman...but obviously, she can't. She is no longer innocent.
The internet messes up my head...completely. In fact, it was Rosh Hashanah, about 6 or 7 years ago, during Mussaf on the first day, when I was right in the middle of Zichronos and I wanted to give it all up. COMPLETELY!!
And the reason? I have recently met a "frum" woman who was having an affair. I was shocked, stunned, hurt, scared. I thought to myself, if she, who looks and acts all frum can do such an awful, not to mention assur thing, then what I am doing here for?
The longer I am online, and the more I open my eyes, the more I think that it is normal...the most frum people, whether men or women are fucking around on their spouses or into all types of kinky stuff (which is fine if kept between the couple) or that single frummies are all a part of this vast "frum orgy"
That messes me up. Now everytime I see a frum woman, I always think, "Who did she have phone sex with last night?" or "How unhappily married is she?" or "Does she wish her husband's cock was bigger, just like the woman I talked to last night?" (The answer...a resounding YES!!! :) )
The worst question I ask myself though is, "Would the girl I'm sitting across from now in the hotel lobby, ever cheat on me?" That scares me to death! But, I'm part of the problem too. I have met and had phone sex with many many many married frum women. I think at some point, I just figured, if you can't beat him, JOIN THEM. I know...middah keneged middah...I'm scared. (And no, I don't usually go to hotel lobbies on dates...just an example...I'm more creative than that, I hope)
But, I firmly believe that this is NOT the whole frum world. It can't be. I truly believe that 99% of all frum people are sincerely, genuinely frum. I do not have any illusions. I don't think that 99% of frum married couples are happy. However, even if unhappy, very few married frum people would actually cheat. They might think about it, fantasize about it, but NEVER ACTUALLY DO IT.
The problem with the internet is that everyone online it seems, is the OTHER 1%. We see everyone having sexual issues or trying to get off or trying to connect to other people in whatever manner they need and we think it is prevalent amount the ENTIRE community.
But it isn't.
It is a 1% majority
First, let me tell you about my friend, let's call her Blueberry (BB). She is frum and comes from a relatively sheltered world. She had no interaction with the opposite sex of any kind. She started chatting online maybe 2 months ago and already she has surpassed every boundary she thought was set in stone. She met and has sex with men, many men, perhaps even many many men. Married men even!!
When she first starting in the chatroom, she would give mussar to all the married people looking to "hook up"...and in a short time frame, she has sunken to their levels.
What does that say? Perhaps that says more about her and her vulnerability and her pain more than it says about the internet (since she is divorced), but maybe it says something about the internet too.
Even now, she tells me she is digusted with herself, but does not feel guilty. She says she is confused, angry, wishes she can go back 2 months when she was still a nice frum divorced young woman...but obviously, she can't. She is no longer innocent.
The internet messes up my head...completely. In fact, it was Rosh Hashanah, about 6 or 7 years ago, during Mussaf on the first day, when I was right in the middle of Zichronos and I wanted to give it all up. COMPLETELY!!
And the reason? I have recently met a "frum" woman who was having an affair. I was shocked, stunned, hurt, scared. I thought to myself, if she, who looks and acts all frum can do such an awful, not to mention assur thing, then what I am doing here for?
The longer I am online, and the more I open my eyes, the more I think that it is normal...the most frum people, whether men or women are fucking around on their spouses or into all types of kinky stuff (which is fine if kept between the couple) or that single frummies are all a part of this vast "frum orgy"
That messes me up. Now everytime I see a frum woman, I always think, "Who did she have phone sex with last night?" or "How unhappily married is she?" or "Does she wish her husband's cock was bigger, just like the woman I talked to last night?" (The answer...a resounding YES!!! :) )
The worst question I ask myself though is, "Would the girl I'm sitting across from now in the hotel lobby, ever cheat on me?" That scares me to death! But, I'm part of the problem too. I have met and had phone sex with many many many married frum women. I think at some point, I just figured, if you can't beat him, JOIN THEM. I know...middah keneged middah...I'm scared. (And no, I don't usually go to hotel lobbies on dates...just an example...I'm more creative than that, I hope)
But, I firmly believe that this is NOT the whole frum world. It can't be. I truly believe that 99% of all frum people are sincerely, genuinely frum. I do not have any illusions. I don't think that 99% of frum married couples are happy. However, even if unhappy, very few married frum people would actually cheat. They might think about it, fantasize about it, but NEVER ACTUALLY DO IT.
The problem with the internet is that everyone online it seems, is the OTHER 1%. We see everyone having sexual issues or trying to get off or trying to connect to other people in whatever manner they need and we think it is prevalent amount the ENTIRE community.
But it isn't.
It is a 1% majority
To Surf or Not to Surf, That is the Question!!
My next post was going to be about the destructive nature of the internet. An old friend of mine wrote something that she wanted to post and it turned out to be exactly what I wanted to talk about. So, I am going to post it and hope that she will become a frequent guest contributor. For our purposes, let's call her Cherry (not her real name at all, obviously). She was my first serious online relationship. Although i never met her in person, I fell in love with her. But she got married and I couldn't be happier for her. She will be the subject of a posting in the near future. So, without further ado, Cherry's very first contribution to my blog.
"The light of the computer beckons me from the other room..calling to me in a voice louder than an actual scream...I walk as if in a daze,log in and lose myself to a different world. A world where I can be who /what I want to be...or better yet,what they want me to be.Chatting nightly,reinventing myself, trying on different personas till I can barely distinguish between daytime me and the me of the black, starry night. I'd lose myself in the sensual pleasures of what I was seeing,hearing,typing. The sound of furious typing,tap-tap-tap.Tap-tap-tap. Panting, touching,stretching,tap-tap-tap,moaning,rubbing,gyrating.tap-tap-tap. A muffled cry and its all over. Slinking back to bed at 4 am...feeling dirty,used,unhappy"
"The light of the computer beckons me from the other room..calling to me in a voice louder than an actual scream...I walk as if in a daze,log in and lose myself to a different world. A world where I can be who /what I want to be...or better yet,what they want me to be.Chatting nightly,reinventing myself, trying on different personas till I can barely distinguish between daytime me and the me of the black, starry night. I'd lose myself in the sensual pleasures of what I was seeing,hearing,typing. The sound of furious typing,tap-tap-tap.Tap-tap-tap. Panting, touching,stretching,tap-tap-tap,moaning,rubbing,gyrating.tap-tap-tap. A muffled cry and its all over. Slinking back to bed at 4 am...feeling dirty,used,unhappy"
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Am I Still a Virgin?
As I said in my initial posting, I have been a relatively good boy. I consider myself a virgin...but am I?
When I chat with people online, sometime I embellish and make stuff up, not because I am embarrassed to be a virgin, but just to have something interesting to talk about.
I'm actually quite glad I'm a virgin. I have always wanted to wait for my wedding night. Yes, it might be an antiquated notion, and yes, I am an incurable romantic, but there is something quite nice and special about your first time beign with your spouse.
So, I love being a virgin, but am I?
I kissed a girl for the first time when I was 22 or 23. It was the most romantic moment of my life, and I don't regret it in the least bit. Maybe I should feel guilty that I don't feel guilty.
Besides a few times kissing her, I was good. But yet, I felt that I was missing out.
I met a girl online when I was about 26. She was a bit older. We hit it off instantly, talked on the phone, laughed for hours. Then one night on the phone, 2 weeks she invited me to her place. I knew I wasn't going over there to watch Disney movies, but I didn't think it would go as far as it did, nor did I necessarily want it too.
I arrived at her house and when she opened the door, I was surprised in that she was even more attractive in person than in her picture.
I sat down on her couch, and we talked. I guess I was nervous because she leaned in and kissed me. I should have left right then and there. She was a smoker, and when she kissed me it was gross, and it didn't feel like my first kiss...no romance, no intensity, just pure animalistic lust...which does have its place, but not for a first time.
One thing led to another, and we were both naked, and she was sucking on my hard cock. You'd
think I would cum in 23 seconds given it was my first time, but I think I was in shock that a woman was actually giving my a bj that I couldn't cum...the more I couldn't cum, there "angrier" she got, trying to make me cum, but it didn't happen.
Then she wanted me to work on her. I did not have any experience whatsoever, so I guess instinct took over and I fingered her like a New York cabbie getting cut off!!! I was just going at her with my hands, mouth. I found her clit, and I sucked on it, licked it, circled her clit with the tip of my tongue, nibbled on it.
She had about 4 or 5 orgasms. I know because I felt her contracting against my fingers and the liquid gushing. The last orgasm she had, she was shaking, her body shuddered, convulsed, and I believe she squirted.
She got this look in her eyes, a gaze of lust. Just then she pushed me onto the couch, sat on my lap said she'll make me feel good and put me inside her!!!
I was flabbergasted, stunned, in awe and totally motionless. I couldn't move. But after literally 3 or 4 seconds I pushed her off me.
I didn't want it. Not that way.
I ended up stroking myself and cumming on her tits.
On the way home, I felt gross, used, like I gave something away.
The only thing I could think of was, "After all these years of imagining, thinking and fantasizing about sex, that's all it's like??"
I freaked out. I deleted all my internet accounts, I went to get tested for STDs, which, Baruch H-shem I do not have.
I did full and complete tshuva...and yet, as you can see I'm back here...and I've been back online for quite sometime.
So, am I still a virgin? Halachically, I know I'm not. Technically, I know I'm not.
But then why do I still tell people I am??
Was I raped?
Why do I tell the married woman I talk to online that I want to lose my virginity to her. Yes, I talk to a married woman. I know it's wrong, but married women are my yetzer hara...anything taboo is. The more taboo the better.
But this woman is not just a phone sex partner. I care deeply for her. But that will need to wait for another posting. Maybe tomorrow
Tizku L'Mitzvos
When I chat with people online, sometime I embellish and make stuff up, not because I am embarrassed to be a virgin, but just to have something interesting to talk about.
I'm actually quite glad I'm a virgin. I have always wanted to wait for my wedding night. Yes, it might be an antiquated notion, and yes, I am an incurable romantic, but there is something quite nice and special about your first time beign with your spouse.
So, I love being a virgin, but am I?
I kissed a girl for the first time when I was 22 or 23. It was the most romantic moment of my life, and I don't regret it in the least bit. Maybe I should feel guilty that I don't feel guilty.
Besides a few times kissing her, I was good. But yet, I felt that I was missing out.
I met a girl online when I was about 26. She was a bit older. We hit it off instantly, talked on the phone, laughed for hours. Then one night on the phone, 2 weeks she invited me to her place. I knew I wasn't going over there to watch Disney movies, but I didn't think it would go as far as it did, nor did I necessarily want it too.
I arrived at her house and when she opened the door, I was surprised in that she was even more attractive in person than in her picture.
I sat down on her couch, and we talked. I guess I was nervous because she leaned in and kissed me. I should have left right then and there. She was a smoker, and when she kissed me it was gross, and it didn't feel like my first kiss...no romance, no intensity, just pure animalistic lust...which does have its place, but not for a first time.
One thing led to another, and we were both naked, and she was sucking on my hard cock. You'd
think I would cum in 23 seconds given it was my first time, but I think I was in shock that a woman was actually giving my a bj that I couldn't cum...the more I couldn't cum, there "angrier" she got, trying to make me cum, but it didn't happen.
Then she wanted me to work on her. I did not have any experience whatsoever, so I guess instinct took over and I fingered her like a New York cabbie getting cut off!!! I was just going at her with my hands, mouth. I found her clit, and I sucked on it, licked it, circled her clit with the tip of my tongue, nibbled on it.
She had about 4 or 5 orgasms. I know because I felt her contracting against my fingers and the liquid gushing. The last orgasm she had, she was shaking, her body shuddered, convulsed, and I believe she squirted.
She got this look in her eyes, a gaze of lust. Just then she pushed me onto the couch, sat on my lap said she'll make me feel good and put me inside her!!!
I was flabbergasted, stunned, in awe and totally motionless. I couldn't move. But after literally 3 or 4 seconds I pushed her off me.
I didn't want it. Not that way.
I ended up stroking myself and cumming on her tits.
On the way home, I felt gross, used, like I gave something away.
The only thing I could think of was, "After all these years of imagining, thinking and fantasizing about sex, that's all it's like??"
I freaked out. I deleted all my internet accounts, I went to get tested for STDs, which, Baruch H-shem I do not have.
I did full and complete tshuva...and yet, as you can see I'm back here...and I've been back online for quite sometime.
So, am I still a virgin? Halachically, I know I'm not. Technically, I know I'm not.
But then why do I still tell people I am??
Was I raped?
Why do I tell the married woman I talk to online that I want to lose my virginity to her. Yes, I talk to a married woman. I know it's wrong, but married women are my yetzer hara...anything taboo is. The more taboo the better.
But this woman is not just a phone sex partner. I care deeply for her. But that will need to wait for another posting. Maybe tomorrow
Tizku L'Mitzvos
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Why am I here?
That's a very philosophical and deep question for this late at night.
I'm not sure why I'm here actually. I had a blog a few years ago, with a few devoted followers, but since I did not contribute thoughts to other blogs, my blog remained fairly unknown.
However, it was therapeutic for me.
As background, I am frum, single professional in my late 20s. I learn every night and give dvar torahs, and shiurim.
I enjoy being frum. It is the right path for me.
However, lately, I have been getting dejected.
My emunah has taken a hit.
I haven't been perfect, but I'm been a relatively "good boy" and I'm proud of that, but I feel like I'm missing out.
A friend told me about this old song that I liked with the title, "I was so much older then...I'm younger than that now."
That is how I feel about my frumkeit.
A friend I met inspired me to maybe start sharing my thoughts, experiences and feelings with the public...and I hope to help some people along the way, and to make people laugh....and even think (Chas Veshalom)
But I also want to be true to myself and reflect who I really am. This friend who inspired me is very misunderstood, partly of her own doing.
People think that she is one way, but she is exactly the opposite. She is sweet, caring, self-aware, sincerely frum who is just struggling with who she is, and who she wants to be. But she still has amazing bitachon.
Thankfully, I take the time to see who she is...that is how I want to portray myself here...as the simplistic, complicated, intense, laid back, funny, serious human being and Jew that I am...that we all are.
Thank you for reading. I hope you stick around for the ride
I'm not sure why I'm here actually. I had a blog a few years ago, with a few devoted followers, but since I did not contribute thoughts to other blogs, my blog remained fairly unknown.
However, it was therapeutic for me.
As background, I am frum, single professional in my late 20s. I learn every night and give dvar torahs, and shiurim.
I enjoy being frum. It is the right path for me.
However, lately, I have been getting dejected.
My emunah has taken a hit.
I haven't been perfect, but I'm been a relatively "good boy" and I'm proud of that, but I feel like I'm missing out.
A friend told me about this old song that I liked with the title, "I was so much older then...I'm younger than that now."
That is how I feel about my frumkeit.
A friend I met inspired me to maybe start sharing my thoughts, experiences and feelings with the public...and I hope to help some people along the way, and to make people laugh....and even think (Chas Veshalom)
But I also want to be true to myself and reflect who I really am. This friend who inspired me is very misunderstood, partly of her own doing.
People think that she is one way, but she is exactly the opposite. She is sweet, caring, self-aware, sincerely frum who is just struggling with who she is, and who she wants to be. But she still has amazing bitachon.
Thankfully, I take the time to see who she is...that is how I want to portray myself here...as the simplistic, complicated, intense, laid back, funny, serious human being and Jew that I am...that we all are.
Thank you for reading. I hope you stick around for the ride
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